A simple blog bid farewell to my twenties and just to say that I had a really nice day...
I got a great call from a friend who ALWAYS remembers my birthday, even if it's the one time a year we talk.
I got a call from my sis who tried to get the kiddos to sing and they all chickened out...I smiled.
Jen and Kevin Fuller called on their way to Chicago. Jen is my girl birthday buddy. Love that!
I picked up my friend, Jessica from Union Station. She rode the train overnight from Lincoln to get here early and hang out with me on my birthday.
We got breakfast in the highlands and had a great conversation.
We got manicures and pedicures!!! wonderful!
Had lunch with Jessica and my friend Alan from church who is my boy birthday buddy. We ate greasy hamburgers and then sang happy birthday to each other and paid for each other's meal, which is kind of corny, but FUN! I gave him a lightsaber. That's right, a lightsaber.
I gave Jessica a tour of Hope House and then dropped her off.
I came to work at Hope House as usual.
Right now, I'm wishing I was asleep already, but hey, I only turn 30 once, right?
So, Happy Birthday to Me, Jen and Alan
Happy St. Joseph's Day...give it up for Jesus' dad!
And Happy Spring!!!
And Happy Easter!!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
How life is...
A late night here at Hope House...it's my choice this time, but even when it's not, I don't mind. I'm sitting in the office here, eating an occasional chocolate pretzel, trying not to smudge chocolate on my white Macbook. All my stuff from my overnight bag to a projector and my trusty guitar is sprawled out all over the place now that the girls have gone to bed. To me, this is a beautiful thing. To me this is like home and home for my heart. So why did I take that other job? Well, that's what I've been asking myself for the past 3 weeks.
I thought it was God's plan, although there wasn't any over-abundance of peace, but it seemed that the outward circumstances and wisdom spoke louder than my inward doubts. It was what I'd been asking for, right? There certainly were a lot of green lights, so I decided to leap after pondering for a week after being offered the job. Maybe it is His plan, but as I've sat in that office for the past 3 weeks, I have felt that a very big part of me is just shriveling up. I feel almost withered and I dread going every single day, which by the way, is only Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times I've ever felt that way about Hope House in the past year and a half...and that was just after an extremely tough week, but with this job it's every day. This can't be good, can it?
Now, don't get me wrong, the job I have is probably amazing. There are people who would kill for a job like this. A fairly high profile organization that does such amazing non profit work and the job just fell into my lap, out of nowhere. There was no application process, it was like it was there for the taking and I don't even know why. I still don't get why they thought I was the best candidate for the job. I really, really don't know.
On top of that, I didn't even have to totally quit working at Hope House. I just dropped down from 4 overnights to 2 overnights a week, so I thought it wasn't a big deal. But you know what? I hate it! I hate being gone from here. I honestly had no idea how much I'd miss being here with the girls and kids and feeling connected to their lives. Laughing, crying, praying, dealing with the annoyances and loving them and their kids all the more.
The thing is, if God's doing something bigger than what I can fathom and immediately see, then fine. I'm all for that. But at the risk of being a drama queen, I'm starting to feel like Marty McFly in back to the future. Remember that scene when he goes back in time and his future mom starts dancing with another guy besides his future dad and he takes out the picture of his family and they are starting to disappear and his hand is, too? I kind of feel like I'm venturing down some weird path that sets my stomach to flipping at the thought of it. It's not even that I think there's this one selected path and if I miss it, God's gonna strike me down. I feel freedom there, but with the freedom of choice comes the desolation and consolation and boy, do I feel desolate at this point in time.
I feel like I could drop this job in 1.5 seconds and never look back in regret. But, how do I balance these emotions with what might be something that I'm supposed to learn from? Just because something is uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's wrong, but where do I place my emotions?
Also, this is a tough time because I'm still missing mom after 11 years and today is her death day. I know it's truly for her a passing to LIFE day, but for us down here, it's still death and it still stings temporarily. So many days I just want to call her on the phone like I used to. How I would love to hear what she'd have to say about all this.
I'm 29, teetering on the edge of 30, which means that this year and at this particular time, I'm the exact age mom was when she had me. The void feels bigger each year. I used to get annoyed when friends would whine about their age and so now I'm annoyed at myself! I think, "Get over it!!!: But I do feel bummed that my 30th birthday is next Wednesday and is sandwiched on either side by two weddings: One the weekend before, and one the weekend after. One of the things that happened when I thought about taking this job was that my boss here at Hope House said "You won't be a residential counselor at Hope House forever, but this opportunity could be your career" And I thought immediately that I don't want or care about a freaking career because I really just want to be a wife and a mom and I know I'm called to music and to ministry.
I felt God calling me to a strict focus this year and now I just feel like I'm all over the place, in such a place of unrest. So where does this leave me? Well, before I say anything else, I know that if you read this blog, you might begin to wonder if I'm perpetually depressed and bemoaning my single state and in a constant mode of reminiscing. I really don't think that's true, it's just that when I get to a point of needing to vent something out, it's usually here that I do it to get some semblance of order.
Again, where does this leave me? Well, must God change my feelings? What if that doesn't happen? A couple of weeks ago as I was working, I felt an overwhelming sense of just wanting to leave and not come back and then in the depth of that feeling, there was this Peace, and I mean Peace, as in it was like a tangible person, which I can only assume was Jesus was right beside me. I felt something touch my head, akin to when a dad or grandpa pats his kids on the head to comfort. That's what it felt like and I heard him say, "It's okay, there's a reason for this, just hang on". I guess I'm just trying to figure out what that means.
I thought it was God's plan, although there wasn't any over-abundance of peace, but it seemed that the outward circumstances and wisdom spoke louder than my inward doubts. It was what I'd been asking for, right? There certainly were a lot of green lights, so I decided to leap after pondering for a week after being offered the job. Maybe it is His plan, but as I've sat in that office for the past 3 weeks, I have felt that a very big part of me is just shriveling up. I feel almost withered and I dread going every single day, which by the way, is only Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times I've ever felt that way about Hope House in the past year and a half...and that was just after an extremely tough week, but with this job it's every day. This can't be good, can it?
Now, don't get me wrong, the job I have is probably amazing. There are people who would kill for a job like this. A fairly high profile organization that does such amazing non profit work and the job just fell into my lap, out of nowhere. There was no application process, it was like it was there for the taking and I don't even know why. I still don't get why they thought I was the best candidate for the job. I really, really don't know.
On top of that, I didn't even have to totally quit working at Hope House. I just dropped down from 4 overnights to 2 overnights a week, so I thought it wasn't a big deal. But you know what? I hate it! I hate being gone from here. I honestly had no idea how much I'd miss being here with the girls and kids and feeling connected to their lives. Laughing, crying, praying, dealing with the annoyances and loving them and their kids all the more.
The thing is, if God's doing something bigger than what I can fathom and immediately see, then fine. I'm all for that. But at the risk of being a drama queen, I'm starting to feel like Marty McFly in back to the future. Remember that scene when he goes back in time and his future mom starts dancing with another guy besides his future dad and he takes out the picture of his family and they are starting to disappear and his hand is, too? I kind of feel like I'm venturing down some weird path that sets my stomach to flipping at the thought of it. It's not even that I think there's this one selected path and if I miss it, God's gonna strike me down. I feel freedom there, but with the freedom of choice comes the desolation and consolation and boy, do I feel desolate at this point in time.
I feel like I could drop this job in 1.5 seconds and never look back in regret. But, how do I balance these emotions with what might be something that I'm supposed to learn from? Just because something is uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's wrong, but where do I place my emotions?
Also, this is a tough time because I'm still missing mom after 11 years and today is her death day. I know it's truly for her a passing to LIFE day, but for us down here, it's still death and it still stings temporarily. So many days I just want to call her on the phone like I used to. How I would love to hear what she'd have to say about all this.
I'm 29, teetering on the edge of 30, which means that this year and at this particular time, I'm the exact age mom was when she had me. The void feels bigger each year. I used to get annoyed when friends would whine about their age and so now I'm annoyed at myself! I think, "Get over it!!!: But I do feel bummed that my 30th birthday is next Wednesday and is sandwiched on either side by two weddings: One the weekend before, and one the weekend after. One of the things that happened when I thought about taking this job was that my boss here at Hope House said "You won't be a residential counselor at Hope House forever, but this opportunity could be your career" And I thought immediately that I don't want or care about a freaking career because I really just want to be a wife and a mom and I know I'm called to music and to ministry.
I felt God calling me to a strict focus this year and now I just feel like I'm all over the place, in such a place of unrest. So where does this leave me? Well, before I say anything else, I know that if you read this blog, you might begin to wonder if I'm perpetually depressed and bemoaning my single state and in a constant mode of reminiscing. I really don't think that's true, it's just that when I get to a point of needing to vent something out, it's usually here that I do it to get some semblance of order.
Again, where does this leave me? Well, must God change my feelings? What if that doesn't happen? A couple of weeks ago as I was working, I felt an overwhelming sense of just wanting to leave and not come back and then in the depth of that feeling, there was this Peace, and I mean Peace, as in it was like a tangible person, which I can only assume was Jesus was right beside me. I felt something touch my head, akin to when a dad or grandpa pats his kids on the head to comfort. That's what it felt like and I heard him say, "It's okay, there's a reason for this, just hang on". I guess I'm just trying to figure out what that means.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
cars, weddings, and supermodels...
It's a strange title for a post, I know. The fact of the matter is that I haven't blogged in quite some time and so the outcome of that is that I'm going to smash three random thoughts together in quick fashion because it's late, I'm tired and my dishwasher is running. That last fact is true, but really has nothing to do with anything at all. Just thought I'd add that explanation in case anyone might get stuck wondering about the significance of my dishwasher and miss the rest of my brilliant blog. Do read on.
Two days ago I set out to write the list that I've been meaning to make for a while now. It's always been just because I wanted to, but recently it became necessity. I'm singing in a wedding in late March. The day before Easter and 3 days after my 30th birthday, in fact. I don't really know these people, but I said yes anyway. Well, they needed some suggestions for wedding songs, so I thought it's high time to make that list of all the songs I've sung at weddings. In the process of doing this, it made even more sense to make the list of the weddings I've sung at. That way I could actually picture and remember what I sang. Want to know what I came up with? I bet you do! I've been the wedding singer 17 going on 18 times! This doesn't count the times I've also been a bridesmaid...and yes, it's more than three times, so there! Now, I surprised even myself because I've never made the list before and once I started I kept remembering more and more...I've felt honored to be asked each time, but gosh, it sure seems like a lot...
I was laying in bed thinking last night about the list and when I came to the number of 17, it gave me pause...I thought to myself, "Hey, that's the same number of cars that I've had!" Yes, I've had 17 cars in my lifetime...crazy, but still true. So really, there's no corelation there, just random at best...I think. I started driving at 16 and I sang in my first wedding at 16, too. Is this some kind of strange coping mechanism??? Okay, I'm just kidding.
So, on to my third thought. Today was Superbowl Sunday. God bless football. Patriots vs. NY Giants. The underdog Giants kicked some undefeated Patriots tail. Pretty impressive. Well, anyone who's been watching tv knows that the media talks about the Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady a lot. But almost more that his football abilities, they stalk him obsessively about his relationship with girlfriend Gisele Bundchen, you know, that model from Victoria's Secret that makes you NOT want to ever buy anything from there because 1) my legs will never be 10 feet long like hers and 2) I'm not really sure I would want 10 foot long legs...(maybe one size bigger bra if I was ordering it up, but that's another topic never to be discussed...yeah.) Well anyway, one of the guys I watched the game with said something about Gisele having this weird birth defect that made her legs grow ridiculously long and so it made her the supermodel she is when Victoria's Secret capitalized on that. So after I got home, I hit my trusty Google to find out if it was true. I didn't find that out, but I did find Gisele's very own official web site. Turns out that at 27, she's the world's 16th richest woman...and then here's why I'm rambling about Gisele. She had sections she wrote about growing up, teen years, ambitions, interests and dreams...You want to know what she put as her one dream? Hmmm...let's guess: Make a few million more bucks? No. Buy out Oprah by the time she hits 30? No. Get a leg reduction? Noooo...Her dream is to have a family of her own and that it would be as good as when she grew up with her 5 sisters and parents in Brazil. So, Ms. beautiful, rich, successful Gisele has one dream and that is to be a wife and mom. Go figure, eh? And so, not that I use Gisele as my moral meter, but it did give me thought that when it all boils down, we're all pretty much the same in those ingrained desires. So, even with 10 foot legs, I hope Tom dumps her or makes an honest man of himself...maybe with a baby she'll even out with 10 foot wide hips...okay, I'm done!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Christmas...
I wanted to fashion a song I could bring
to lay at the feet of the one I call King
But as I drew nearer to his manger throne
I just fell on my knees and I worshiped alone
I fell on my knees and my heart found a home
There were the angels singing, the star was shining bright
to welcome the entrance of God's perfect Light
Creation joined together to shout the Savior's birth
So let heaven resound, let there be peace on the earth
Now Heaven's come down, there is peace, peace for the earth
Just think of Mary and Joseph, the shepherds and kings
Such unlikely people, but miraculous things
And still goes the story in our world today
Will our hearts find the room to prepare Him the way?
Will our hearts make the room to prepare the Lord's way?
Oh Jesus, Jesus, Love of God shown
Why would you make a manger your throne?
To rescue a people who stumbled and fell....
This was the hope that the prophets did foretell
And now this is the story that I want to tell...
Merry Christmas to All...May God fill you will His Light, His Peace, His Joy and His Hope as we wait and trust in Him, the One who is ever-faithful to fulfill His promises. Blessings...
Friday, December 07, 2007
Drove to a high place in the city...
Drove to a high place in the city
looked out at the mountains
And the sun was blazing fire
watched as the last ditch ray tried to shine
til' it was swallowed by the blue jagged line
And wondered about the people in the plane
Above my head
until now, this view was undiscovered
But the freedom to explore where I like
has brought me here
And I had a strange thought-
That at this exact moment
there is no one in the world
who knows where I am-
And even if they tried to find me
it would take a while
So it left me feeling a little lonely
but it left me knowing I'm still with you
And you see me here
overlooking my life
here in this time and space
I'm listening to hear who I am
Because the sun goes down so fast
looked out at the mountains
And the sun was blazing fire
watched as the last ditch ray tried to shine
til' it was swallowed by the blue jagged line
And wondered about the people in the plane
Above my head
until now, this view was undiscovered
But the freedom to explore where I like
has brought me here
And I had a strange thought-
That at this exact moment
there is no one in the world
who knows where I am-
And even if they tried to find me
it would take a while
So it left me feeling a little lonely
but it left me knowing I'm still with you
And you see me here
overlooking my life
here in this time and space
I'm listening to hear who I am
Because the sun goes down so fast
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Advent Reflection...
I just got this from an email from the Chaplain at Denver Seminary, who is also my professor for the class I've been taking this semester called "Readings of the Spiritual Masters". Somehow, Advent snuck up on me this year. I will blog more later about it's personal meaning, but for now, I wanted to post this Advent Reflection from our Chaplain to help in preparation...
This Sunday, December 2, is the beginning of Advent season in which we look forward in hope to the celebration of the Feast of Christmas. I hope this reflection will begin your preparation for the coming of Christ in a new and fresh way into your heart and into your world.
Luke 3:1-6---A time of preparation
"We have come to understand a threefold coming of the Lord. The third coming lies between the other two. Two of the comings are clearly visible, but the third is not. In the first coming the Lord was seen on earth, dwelling among us; and as he himself testified, they saw him and hated him. In his final coming all flesh shall see the salvation of our God, and they will look on him whom they pierced. The intermediate coming is hidden, in which only his chosen recognize his presence within themselves and their souls are saved. In his first coming our Lord came in our flesh and in our weakness; in the intermediate coming he comes in spirit and in power; in his final coming, he will be seen in glory and majesty. This intermediate coming is like a road on which we travel from his first coming to his last. In the first, Christ was our redemption; in the last, he will appear as our life; in his intermediate coming, he is our comfort and our rest." ---Bernard of Clairvaux
Advent trains us to recognize His hidden comings. How has He come to you recently?
"Loving Saviour, be pleased to show yourself to us who knock, so that in knowing you we may love only you, love you alone, desire you alone, contemplate only you day and night, and always think of you. Inspire in us the depth of love that is fitting for you to recieve as God. So may your love pervade our whole being, possess us completely, and fill all our senses, that we may know no other love but love for you who are everlasting. May our love be so great that the many waters of sky, land and sea connot extinguish it in us: for many waters cannot quench love. May this saying be fulfilled in us also, at least in part, by your gift, Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." ---Columbanus (543-615)
This Sunday, December 2, is the beginning of Advent season in which we look forward in hope to the celebration of the Feast of Christmas. I hope this reflection will begin your preparation for the coming of Christ in a new and fresh way into your heart and into your world.
Luke 3:1-6---A time of preparation
"We have come to understand a threefold coming of the Lord. The third coming lies between the other two. Two of the comings are clearly visible, but the third is not. In the first coming the Lord was seen on earth, dwelling among us; and as he himself testified, they saw him and hated him. In his final coming all flesh shall see the salvation of our God, and they will look on him whom they pierced. The intermediate coming is hidden, in which only his chosen recognize his presence within themselves and their souls are saved. In his first coming our Lord came in our flesh and in our weakness; in the intermediate coming he comes in spirit and in power; in his final coming, he will be seen in glory and majesty. This intermediate coming is like a road on which we travel from his first coming to his last. In the first, Christ was our redemption; in the last, he will appear as our life; in his intermediate coming, he is our comfort and our rest." ---Bernard of Clairvaux
Advent trains us to recognize His hidden comings. How has He come to you recently?
"Loving Saviour, be pleased to show yourself to us who knock, so that in knowing you we may love only you, love you alone, desire you alone, contemplate only you day and night, and always think of you. Inspire in us the depth of love that is fitting for you to recieve as God. So may your love pervade our whole being, possess us completely, and fill all our senses, that we may know no other love but love for you who are everlasting. May our love be so great that the many waters of sky, land and sea connot extinguish it in us: for many waters cannot quench love. May this saying be fulfilled in us also, at least in part, by your gift, Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." ---Columbanus (543-615)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
a year in the life of me...
I am having a stare down with the big 3-0 and I feel strangely excited about it. Today marks the one year anniversary of working at Hope House. Once again, I marvel at what has happened in the last 365 days of my fleeting life. Here are some things I've learned:
I've Learned That...
1) When God really wants to get your attention, don't worry, he will. It might even be while you're buying makeup at Target.
2) Having to give your dog away really, really, really sucks.
3)It's possible to have the flu, a cold, sinus infection, bronchitus and pinkeye all at the same time...and survive to tell about it.
4) that my "mommy" clock is ticking, and that's okay.
5)Just because I don't see an outcome doesn't mean that God isn't doing something behind the scenes.
6) I miss the Catholic Church, but that doesn't necessarily mean that's where I'm supposed to be right now.
7) You can run a full marathon and a year later not be able to run 2 miles without having to stop...dangit!
8)That I really miss being in a close community of people my own age.
9)God cared that I wanted a sunroom in my next house
10) When I get depressed, my house gets dirty
11) It's okay to admit that I'm really lonely. It doesn't mean I trust less, it just means I feel more.
12) I miss youth ministry
13) I love working with teen moms
14) I can really love someone even when they're about to punch me in the face.
15) Getting snowed in at work for 3 days isn't really that bad!!!
16) Craigslist ROCKS!
17) Jettas are evil
18) Having your own space is a really healthy thing.
19) Dressing up as Tigger for Halloween 2 years in a row is great fun
20) The smallest gesture of interest means A LOT when you've waited a really long time for it.
21) God has it all.
I've Learned That...
1) When God really wants to get your attention, don't worry, he will. It might even be while you're buying makeup at Target.
2) Having to give your dog away really, really, really sucks.
3)It's possible to have the flu, a cold, sinus infection, bronchitus and pinkeye all at the same time...and survive to tell about it.
4) that my "mommy" clock is ticking, and that's okay.
5)Just because I don't see an outcome doesn't mean that God isn't doing something behind the scenes.
6) I miss the Catholic Church, but that doesn't necessarily mean that's where I'm supposed to be right now.
7) You can run a full marathon and a year later not be able to run 2 miles without having to stop...dangit!
8)That I really miss being in a close community of people my own age.
9)God cared that I wanted a sunroom in my next house
10) When I get depressed, my house gets dirty
11) It's okay to admit that I'm really lonely. It doesn't mean I trust less, it just means I feel more.
12) I miss youth ministry
13) I love working with teen moms
14) I can really love someone even when they're about to punch me in the face.
15) Getting snowed in at work for 3 days isn't really that bad!!!
16) Craigslist ROCKS!
17) Jettas are evil
18) Having your own space is a really healthy thing.
19) Dressing up as Tigger for Halloween 2 years in a row is great fun
20) The smallest gesture of interest means A LOT when you've waited a really long time for it.
21) God has it all.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I need a man...to change my oil
Wait, let me rephrase that. I need a man to unscrew the bolt on the bottom of my oil pan, so that I can go ahead and do the rest. I usually find myself quite capable, usually fairly intuitive and resourceful. I've needed my oil changed for a while now and I'm going on a trip next weekend. My brother in law was the last one to change the oil in my car and I should have known better. It is true: I am no match for Jerry's bionic arm, which keeps tightening things until he himself can barely undo it the next time (except that he has the bionic thing going for him, so he finds a way). One time, he pulled the emergency brake on my car so tight while parking it, that I had to call him to come and release it. Man.
So, I got the oil, filter, wrench, gloves, oil pan, rags and proceeded to crawl under my car. This feels good. I am woman. Watch me change oil. 15 minutes later, the only progress I've made is a fairly good workout, a cramping leg muscle, one piece of tumbleweed and two leaves in my hair and many repetitions of "you piece of crap". I don't really know what I was referring to or who I was slurring with that statement. Maybe my arm, which apparently is NOT bionic.
So, I gave up...for now. I know how to do the rest. It's just that stupid bolt which will not budge. So, like I said, I do need a man...with a wrench in his hand. Maybe I'll post it to Craigslist.
So, I got the oil, filter, wrench, gloves, oil pan, rags and proceeded to crawl under my car. This feels good. I am woman. Watch me change oil. 15 minutes later, the only progress I've made is a fairly good workout, a cramping leg muscle, one piece of tumbleweed and two leaves in my hair and many repetitions of "you piece of crap". I don't really know what I was referring to or who I was slurring with that statement. Maybe my arm, which apparently is NOT bionic.
So, I gave up...for now. I know how to do the rest. It's just that stupid bolt which will not budge. So, like I said, I do need a man...with a wrench in his hand. Maybe I'll post it to Craigslist.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Ode to the Changing of Seasons...
I don't know if this is really an ode, but nevertheless, I write. For the past few years, I've really struggled with the changing of seasons from Summer to Fall and Winter. I think one reason is because at heart I'm a California girl. I love the heat and sunshine, and although we moved to Colorado when I was 7, we still have over 300 days of sunshine here, too. I just begin to feel different when those fall winds come. It kind of messes with me, and I hate it, but it's my reality. I truly just feel DIFFERENT. Right now we are definitely in between. Tonight I went for a run. The temperature was perfect, but not too far down the road and I smelled the smell of smoke, a fireplace. The smell of winter, and I penned this to that effect.
breathing in the tell-tale sign
You may arrive-although not today
Seeing by the leaves all tousled in the trees
Something's in the wind-not ready to begin
I know that...
this is the in between
you can't decide
When you'll land
or how long you'll hide
This is the in between
snowflake or shine
leaves me feeling
like a leaf about to fall
and I will rise or fall with you
What makes you change the way you do?
So unpredictable, wish I could wrap my arms around you
Usher in another season and the signs of change
This is not how you make me feel
Do you know how you make me feel?
Could I but learn to accept that this is how it is
This is how it will be as much as I can forsee
Then I could enjoy the moments of unknowing
Knowing that change not now will still be
So I see that...
this is the in between
you can't decide
When you'll land
or how long you'll hide
This is the in between
snowflake or shine
leaves me feeling
like a leaf about to fall
and I will rise or fall with you
breathing in the tell-tale sign
You may arrive-although not today
Seeing by the leaves all tousled in the trees
Something's in the wind-not ready to begin
I know that...
this is the in between
you can't decide
When you'll land
or how long you'll hide
This is the in between
snowflake or shine
leaves me feeling
like a leaf about to fall
and I will rise or fall with you
What makes you change the way you do?
So unpredictable, wish I could wrap my arms around you
Usher in another season and the signs of change
This is not how you make me feel
Do you know how you make me feel?
Could I but learn to accept that this is how it is
This is how it will be as much as I can forsee
Then I could enjoy the moments of unknowing
Knowing that change not now will still be
So I see that...
this is the in between
you can't decide
When you'll land
or how long you'll hide
This is the in between
snowflake or shine
leaves me feeling
like a leaf about to fall
and I will rise or fall with you
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Dear Freaking Spider...
I want to let you know that I don't appreciate the unsolicited bite you seemed to feel necessary to inflict upon me. My leg hurts like mad dogs and is swollen and ugly, all thanks to you. I'd bite you back if I could, just to make it even, but I'd never bite a spider in a million years, so I guess you win this round, you jerk. Maybe I should describe in detail what I did to one of your pathetic relatives the other night. Or maybe you should just check out his flatness on the wall, compliments of my shoe-HA! Take that and chew on it! (yeah, instead of my leg next time)...
Sunday, September 09, 2007
A year ago today...
Today marks the one year anniversary of living back in Colorado. On September 9, 2006 I left Nebraska to follow what I felt was God's direction and next step for me. There were so many steps that even led up to that. Steps of preparation, things that I had to release from my sometimes clenched fists. It was a process and it remains a process still. Life is the means, the end is to follow my maker with heart, soul, mind and strength.
Thank you, My God for bringing me back here. Thank you for every day of the past year when I've felt hopeless and wondered what was next. Thank you for giving me a church and people to connect to. Thank you for Hope House, for the girls and everyone who works there. I know that I am so blessed to be there. Thank you for provision at just the right moment. You know what I need and when. Thank you for a place to live: First at dad and Suzi's, then here in my own place. I could not have imagined this place to exist, but you opened the door wide for me. Thank you for continued opportunities with music, and that it never looks quite like I imagined it to, but it's always so good. And the priviledge of worshiping you is enough in and of itself. Thank you for telling me to wait and then giving me the hope to do so. You have confirmed so many things that I re-affirm my committment to you. I will wait as long as you tell me to. Thank you for peace in my heart. Thank you for showing me the difference of when it's you leading and when it's me trying to gain control. I am much more at peace when it's you and this is beyond a complete understanding or explanation, but I know the difference now.
"Lord, enfold me in the depths of your heart; and hold me there, refine, purge and set me on fire, raise me aloft until my own self knows utter annihilation"
A prayer of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and one that I pray tonight
I could not have done this without you. I can't live tomorrow, the next day, week, month or year without you. In fact, my next breath is a credit to you, so help me to be mindful of that, ready to live in a way that reflects that very fact.
You have all my love, my savior, my God.
I say this to you in gratitude and thanks.
Thank you, My God for bringing me back here. Thank you for every day of the past year when I've felt hopeless and wondered what was next. Thank you for giving me a church and people to connect to. Thank you for Hope House, for the girls and everyone who works there. I know that I am so blessed to be there. Thank you for provision at just the right moment. You know what I need and when. Thank you for a place to live: First at dad and Suzi's, then here in my own place. I could not have imagined this place to exist, but you opened the door wide for me. Thank you for continued opportunities with music, and that it never looks quite like I imagined it to, but it's always so good. And the priviledge of worshiping you is enough in and of itself. Thank you for telling me to wait and then giving me the hope to do so. You have confirmed so many things that I re-affirm my committment to you. I will wait as long as you tell me to. Thank you for peace in my heart. Thank you for showing me the difference of when it's you leading and when it's me trying to gain control. I am much more at peace when it's you and this is beyond a complete understanding or explanation, but I know the difference now.
"Lord, enfold me in the depths of your heart; and hold me there, refine, purge and set me on fire, raise me aloft until my own self knows utter annihilation"
A prayer of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and one that I pray tonight
I could not have done this without you. I can't live tomorrow, the next day, week, month or year without you. In fact, my next breath is a credit to you, so help me to be mindful of that, ready to live in a way that reflects that very fact.
You have all my love, my savior, my God.
I say this to you in gratitude and thanks.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
a post script...
After posting the previous picture and thoughts about my mom, I looked at the date and just realized that September 5th would have been the 37th Anniversary of my parents marriage...
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Wow, I really missed my mom tonight. Sometimes this feeling comes out of nowhere and it's like a wave, very sudden and intense and then just the same, it loses it's intensity and washes back quickly into the other more dormant emotions. It would be so nice just to talk with her face to face...but I know she knows.
This is a painting of her that hangs in my grandparents house. She and my uncle had it done for my grandparents anniversary when they were in college. I think it is one of their most treasured possessions.
Monday, September 03, 2007
A Father to the fatherless...
I'm so sad. I feel sick to my stomach. Nothing lets you prepare for this. Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.
Tonight I had to be the one to tell one of our teen moms at Hope House that the father of her two babies is dead. He was killed early this morning in a single car accident in the mountains. He was ejected from the vehicle and died instantly.
His sister came unannounced to the door because she was afraid it would be released and she would find out in a bad way. So she came and what can you do? I'll never forget her face. She knew. She just looked at me with huge eyes and said "what is going on? Is it bad? It's bad, isn't it?" I said, "Yes, it's bad". Then she heard his sister say he was dead and she just lost it.
She's 7 months pregnant with his baby and he's gone. He was going to be in the delivery room with her. I just held her and I could feel her stomach sobbing in and out and all I could think was of the little baby in there and that she'll never know her daddy. Then I thought of sweet Anya alseep in her crib so unaware that she'll never remember her daddy, either.
SO MUCH BROKENNESS, LORD!!!!!! WHY??? I BELIEVE YOU CRY, SO LET HER SENSE YOUR TEARS AND NOT YOUR NEGLECT.
I must remember the words I wrote 4 years ago and still believe tonight
I keep trying to figure you out
But all I see is more mystery
But I've felt your loving arms around my heart
So this is real enough for me
Real enough for me
a father to the fatherless
Real enough for me
a shelter in the wilderness
Real enough for me
so even when my eyes can't see
Still I know your love is real enough for me
When shades of doubt come and cloud my eyes
and I can't see you standing here
then I will hold tight to the unseen hands
and let go of all my fears
You're real enough for me
a father to the fatherless
real enough for me
a shelter in the wilderness
real enough for me
so even when my eyes can't see
still I know your love is real enough for me
still I know your love is real enough for me
Tonight I had to be the one to tell one of our teen moms at Hope House that the father of her two babies is dead. He was killed early this morning in a single car accident in the mountains. He was ejected from the vehicle and died instantly.
His sister came unannounced to the door because she was afraid it would be released and she would find out in a bad way. So she came and what can you do? I'll never forget her face. She knew. She just looked at me with huge eyes and said "what is going on? Is it bad? It's bad, isn't it?" I said, "Yes, it's bad". Then she heard his sister say he was dead and she just lost it.
She's 7 months pregnant with his baby and he's gone. He was going to be in the delivery room with her. I just held her and I could feel her stomach sobbing in and out and all I could think was of the little baby in there and that she'll never know her daddy. Then I thought of sweet Anya alseep in her crib so unaware that she'll never remember her daddy, either.
SO MUCH BROKENNESS, LORD!!!!!! WHY??? I BELIEVE YOU CRY, SO LET HER SENSE YOUR TEARS AND NOT YOUR NEGLECT.
I must remember the words I wrote 4 years ago and still believe tonight
I keep trying to figure you out
But all I see is more mystery
But I've felt your loving arms around my heart
So this is real enough for me
Real enough for me
a father to the fatherless
Real enough for me
a shelter in the wilderness
Real enough for me
so even when my eyes can't see
Still I know your love is real enough for me
When shades of doubt come and cloud my eyes
and I can't see you standing here
then I will hold tight to the unseen hands
and let go of all my fears
You're real enough for me
a father to the fatherless
real enough for me
a shelter in the wilderness
real enough for me
so even when my eyes can't see
still I know your love is real enough for me
still I know your love is real enough for me
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The other end of the line...
Sometimes I want to walk away from the water
But something keeps tugging on me
Telling me to wait-just a little bit longer
If Wisdom speaks, it is the language of patience
Saying I don't have to know it all right now...
Are you my blessing?
Are you my curse?
Standing in the blazing sun
Fan the flame of love-an uncomfortable burn
But there is one thing I've come to
There is no where else to run to
You've given me the sign
I believe you're the one on the other end of the line
Just another random call
meant nothing at all- a check off the list
And there you were again
out of the blue-your voice bringing me to you
And I'm sure you didn't know
Do you even wonder?...
Are you my blessing?
Are you my curse?
Standing in the blazing sun
Fan the flame of love-an uncomfortable burn
But there is one thing I've come to
There is no where else to run to
You've given me the sign
I believe you're the one on the other end of the line
But something keeps tugging on me
Telling me to wait-just a little bit longer
If Wisdom speaks, it is the language of patience
Saying I don't have to know it all right now...
Are you my blessing?
Are you my curse?
Standing in the blazing sun
Fan the flame of love-an uncomfortable burn
But there is one thing I've come to
There is no where else to run to
You've given me the sign
I believe you're the one on the other end of the line
Just another random call
meant nothing at all- a check off the list
And there you were again
out of the blue-your voice bringing me to you
And I'm sure you didn't know
Do you even wonder?...
Are you my blessing?
Are you my curse?
Standing in the blazing sun
Fan the flame of love-an uncomfortable burn
But there is one thing I've come to
There is no where else to run to
You've given me the sign
I believe you're the one on the other end of the line
Saturday, August 11, 2007
22 years ago today...
My family moved from Southern California out to Arvada, Colorado on August 11, 1985. We arrived in our 1983 Two tone blue Dodge Ram Van that early morning. I remember that trip, bits and snippets of it. I remember the last thing I did before leaving California was to get a doll from my friend, Sarah. She was gone out of town, but her mom delivered it for me telling me that Sarah said she would miss me and wanted me to have her baby doll...and I still have it. I also remember the trip across the Nevada desert in the middle of the night. There's this strange feeling that I'm still 7 years old every time I make that trip, even now. It's the cool of the night, the glow of the semi-truck red and yellow side lights as they pass you- almost like a race in slow motion. There's the memory of staring out the van windows at the utter blackness and stars while laying on my back after we reclined the van bench seats down into the queen sized bed...seat belts? Nah. I also remember that my dad would play oldies and light rock, but when we'd sleep, he would adjust the radio to only play through his speaker up front, so it was this soft melody mixed with the sound of the road as I drifted off to sleep. There was one song that said "every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you..." My dad would add "Cuz' you stuck a booger in my pocket!" I totally didn't get the joke and my sisters had to explain to me that if someone stuck a booger in your pocket, you would actually be taking a piece of them with you...hahahahahah...but, yes, I still remember that, too! I can vividly remember pulling into my aunt and uncle's house up in Blue Mountain in the early morning and seeing my then 11 year old cousin, Luke spill out of their 5th wheel in his superhero pajamas rubbing his eyes and sprawling around with his lanky arms and legs all over the place to welcome us.
The funny thing is that I've always remembered this anniversary. I have no idea why it's always stuck in my mind. I mean at 8 and 9 years old, I was remembering this on my own and I don't think a year has ever gone by that I don't think of it and figure how many years it's been. I think it was that much of a monumental event in my young experience that it has always stayed as such.
Now, I think about how different life would be if we hadn't moved. I really can't even fathom it. I think about it again in light of my recent move back to Arvada after 10 years in Nebraska. Already, I can't imagine not having made this move. So much has happened to show me that this is exactly as it should be...rough roads to get here and all. I am reminded of a beautiful tapestry that the creator of time and space is weaving and how skillfully he places each thread precisely in it's place. I am reminded that it is much bigger than the thread that I can see and that I can trust that these steps are ordered and that so much more will make sense as it is revealed.
I am grateful for much of the journey being unknown at the time we take it. It is only in the stepping, the changing, that we see that it was in the plan all along and that our lives are much bigger and more interwoven than ever thought possible.
So I take joy in these 22 years of adventure and I welcome the next 22, hoping that I can embrace all the roads that I must take to get to the unknown destination where I am going.
The funny thing is that I've always remembered this anniversary. I have no idea why it's always stuck in my mind. I mean at 8 and 9 years old, I was remembering this on my own and I don't think a year has ever gone by that I don't think of it and figure how many years it's been. I think it was that much of a monumental event in my young experience that it has always stayed as such.
Now, I think about how different life would be if we hadn't moved. I really can't even fathom it. I think about it again in light of my recent move back to Arvada after 10 years in Nebraska. Already, I can't imagine not having made this move. So much has happened to show me that this is exactly as it should be...rough roads to get here and all. I am reminded of a beautiful tapestry that the creator of time and space is weaving and how skillfully he places each thread precisely in it's place. I am reminded that it is much bigger than the thread that I can see and that I can trust that these steps are ordered and that so much more will make sense as it is revealed.
I am grateful for much of the journey being unknown at the time we take it. It is only in the stepping, the changing, that we see that it was in the plan all along and that our lives are much bigger and more interwoven than ever thought possible.
So I take joy in these 22 years of adventure and I welcome the next 22, hoping that I can embrace all the roads that I must take to get to the unknown destination where I am going.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Happy Birthday to a Miracle Man...
I'd like to acknowledge and say Happy 59th Birthday to my dad, Phil Francis. The reason that I say he's a miracle man is because I've seen miracles in him, especially in the last 10 years.
There was a time that he was so lost in his own sin that I couldn't imagine him ever coming back. That was also the time that I had so much hatred for him in my heart that I could never imagine having, much less ever wanting a relationship with him again anyway.
Now, I'm not saying that things are perfect now, of course they're not! but what I do want to say is that our God is a redeeming God. He takes the utter mess of our lives and exchanges it for his healing when we cooperate with Grace. This is the action I've seen in our lives.
So, I'm thankful to have a restored relationship with my dad. I'm so glad he's turned his life back to the One who gave it to him in the first place. I'm glad he's out of the "fog" and that he has peace of heart.
I'm glad that I can tell my dad "I love you" and really mean it.
Happy Birthday, Dad.
There was a time that he was so lost in his own sin that I couldn't imagine him ever coming back. That was also the time that I had so much hatred for him in my heart that I could never imagine having, much less ever wanting a relationship with him again anyway.
Now, I'm not saying that things are perfect now, of course they're not! but what I do want to say is that our God is a redeeming God. He takes the utter mess of our lives and exchanges it for his healing when we cooperate with Grace. This is the action I've seen in our lives.
So, I'm thankful to have a restored relationship with my dad. I'm so glad he's turned his life back to the One who gave it to him in the first place. I'm glad he's out of the "fog" and that he has peace of heart.
I'm glad that I can tell my dad "I love you" and really mean it.
Happy Birthday, Dad.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
I was a little bummed but actually, I'm really happy...
I love you, Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer. My soul clings to you, my lips praise you. I am a servant desperate for you. My heart desires you, my God. I consecrate all that I am to you."
I wrote this prayer a couple of days ago at the end of a fast that was an amazing time with God. I don't know how all of this works. How do I know that I have communed with the maker of the universe? Here I am in my apartment in Arvada and I am having this intimate time with the God of everything??? If I think about it much at all, I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around the idea and it all becomes befuddled in my desire to understand. I think I would like to suffice it to say that there are things you just know at your deepest core. When you really know and experience someone's love for you, when you know that you love someone deeply, when you know someone has just really listened to your heart. It is like this with God. Beyond explaining and yet you know. Maybe the greatest proof of all is that you can't explain it, because things that can be explained can be explained away and yet this...it is so much deeper and it is the most real thing I know. I'm so glad.
So tonight as I blog, I am sitting out on the deck of my apartment house. I have been moved in since the middle of June and I absolutely love it here. It is exactly what I needed. It's the upstairs level apartment of a 2 story house in a nice neighborhood. It backs up to a field, so it is peaceful. I have 2 bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen, huge windows through the whole house, a sunroom that leads out to a huge deck with a view. Except for the bat I just heard, it's perfect! :) It's pretty dark out here except for the light of my computer screen and the moon. The temp is so mild and the crickets are going crazy. I feel blessed. I am blessed.
Earlier tonight, I went to Wal-Mart and ended up feeling pretty depressed. Actually, I think I always feel that way there. I think it's the fact that I know I'm going to buy "stuff" (that fact alone should make everyone depressed!), spend money I don't want to, be surrounded by strangers and generally these days, I get to feeling pretty lonely when I go out on my own. It's not anything new, but it's just more accute. At the height of my bummed-ness I saw Kurt Vogt from church and we chatted, so that was nice to be connected.
About the accuteness: It's like this symptom of something to come. The more the ache, the more the relief. I think change is coming. I am happy sitting on my deck alone, but I'll rejoice when I can invite someone along on this journey, and be part of theirs, too. I feel like it could almost be time, but In the space in between now and then, I feel that I'm doing exactly what I should be, not just sitting around wishing. There is so much peace in that alone.
So, tonight, I am enjoying my surroundings, being honest with my feelings, thankful for the weekend to hang out with my sister and her boys, celebrate my dad and brother's birthday, thankful for God's provision and grateful to be alive right here and now.
Maybe that's all I need to say for now.
I wrote this prayer a couple of days ago at the end of a fast that was an amazing time with God. I don't know how all of this works. How do I know that I have communed with the maker of the universe? Here I am in my apartment in Arvada and I am having this intimate time with the God of everything??? If I think about it much at all, I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around the idea and it all becomes befuddled in my desire to understand. I think I would like to suffice it to say that there are things you just know at your deepest core. When you really know and experience someone's love for you, when you know that you love someone deeply, when you know someone has just really listened to your heart. It is like this with God. Beyond explaining and yet you know. Maybe the greatest proof of all is that you can't explain it, because things that can be explained can be explained away and yet this...it is so much deeper and it is the most real thing I know. I'm so glad.
So tonight as I blog, I am sitting out on the deck of my apartment house. I have been moved in since the middle of June and I absolutely love it here. It is exactly what I needed. It's the upstairs level apartment of a 2 story house in a nice neighborhood. It backs up to a field, so it is peaceful. I have 2 bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen, huge windows through the whole house, a sunroom that leads out to a huge deck with a view. Except for the bat I just heard, it's perfect! :) It's pretty dark out here except for the light of my computer screen and the moon. The temp is so mild and the crickets are going crazy. I feel blessed. I am blessed.
Earlier tonight, I went to Wal-Mart and ended up feeling pretty depressed. Actually, I think I always feel that way there. I think it's the fact that I know I'm going to buy "stuff" (that fact alone should make everyone depressed!), spend money I don't want to, be surrounded by strangers and generally these days, I get to feeling pretty lonely when I go out on my own. It's not anything new, but it's just more accute. At the height of my bummed-ness I saw Kurt Vogt from church and we chatted, so that was nice to be connected.
About the accuteness: It's like this symptom of something to come. The more the ache, the more the relief. I think change is coming. I am happy sitting on my deck alone, but I'll rejoice when I can invite someone along on this journey, and be part of theirs, too. I feel like it could almost be time, but In the space in between now and then, I feel that I'm doing exactly what I should be, not just sitting around wishing. There is so much peace in that alone.
So, tonight, I am enjoying my surroundings, being honest with my feelings, thankful for the weekend to hang out with my sister and her boys, celebrate my dad and brother's birthday, thankful for God's provision and grateful to be alive right here and now.
Maybe that's all I need to say for now.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Love hurts, heals, hopes
I took this picture on the way up to Nebraska...the most amazing rainbow I've ever seen in my life and it was 100 times more brilliant in person...it speaks to me of hope...
I'm trying to process this day in my life...
*My job rips my heart up and down, inside and out and every which way. Sometimes I love it so much I hate it.
One of our girls left today after her crack addicted mom called and said "We're moving to Mississippi. Pack your bags and be ready to go". All this girl wants is her mom to want her and to take care of her like she did before she was a crack head. She just wants to be with her family even if that means she gets hurt. She's like a little girl, but she's now a mom at 16 and I wonder how do you reconcile those two? It was just 2 days ago that I took her and her little baby to see the fireworks show and we talked and walked and laughed and ate sonic together and she asked my opinion on tough life questions and we prayed together. She just barely gets the start to a different life and her mom rips it right out of her hands. I just don't get it. I wanted to see her smiling face on graduation day and now she's headed to what?
*One of the other moms let her 17 month old go with the dad for the first time- a weekend visit. It was almost too much for her to handle. He came and picked her up this morning and as soon as she handed her off to him, the baby just froze as if to say, "I don't know what's going on, but I know I don't like it." As he turned to go, the baby lunged for me, full arms stretched out trying to get out of his arms and into mine and I felt like my heart cracked in two and fell onto the floor. This was 1/2 hour after being told that the other resident was leaving to Mississippi. I'm just sick to my stomach and my heart.
* yesterday, we celebrated the new life of yet another of our residents giving birth to her second baby in a year. Her daughter turned 1 last monday and she delivered daughter #2 yesterday. A beautiful girl, so perfect in every way. New life, new love, new hope. Maybe this is what keeps me going. It has to, it just has to.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
A random memory from the past...
Tonight I took a personality profile that asked all those same questions about your interests and what word describes you best, etc...it brought back this connection to a strange memory...
In College in Chadron, Nebraska, every year around Valentine's Day, the campus activities board would do a "love match test" for $1.00. They would give you a fill in the bubble test with all sorts of questions, you would turn it it and it would be matched up with those who best fit as your match through similarities and commonality. Well, a lot of people did this just for fun and so I filled one out my freshman year. Well, I got back the results (8 guys, I think) There were two of these guys who now stand out to me very well (I didn't know either of them at that time). Several years later, one ended up marrying my best friend and the other one married my cousin (my very close friend as well)...
Isn't that weird?
In College in Chadron, Nebraska, every year around Valentine's Day, the campus activities board would do a "love match test" for $1.00. They would give you a fill in the bubble test with all sorts of questions, you would turn it it and it would be matched up with those who best fit as your match through similarities and commonality. Well, a lot of people did this just for fun and so I filled one out my freshman year. Well, I got back the results (8 guys, I think) There were two of these guys who now stand out to me very well (I didn't know either of them at that time). Several years later, one ended up marrying my best friend and the other one married my cousin (my very close friend as well)...
Isn't that weird?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)