Dear Freaking Spider...

I want to let you know that I don't appreciate the unsolicited bite you seemed to feel necessary to inflict upon me. My leg hurts like mad dogs and is swollen and ugly, all thanks to you. I'd bite you back if I could, just to make it even, but I'd never bite a spider in a million years, so I guess you win this round, you jerk. Maybe I should describe in detail what I did to one of your pathetic relatives the other night. Or maybe you should just check out his flatness on the wall, compliments of my shoe-HA! Take that and chew on it! (yeah, instead of my leg next time)...