I was a little bummed but actually, I'm really happy...

I love you, Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer. My soul clings to you, my lips praise you. I am a servant desperate for you. My heart desires you, my God. I consecrate all that I am to you."

I wrote this prayer a couple of days ago at the end of a fast that was an amazing time with God. I don't know how all of this works. How do I know that I have communed with the maker of the universe? Here I am in my apartment in Arvada and I am having this intimate time with the God of everything??? If I think about it much at all, I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around the idea and it all becomes befuddled in my desire to understand. I think I would like to suffice it to say that there are things you just know at your deepest core. When you really know and experience someone's love for you, when you know that you love someone deeply, when you know someone has just really listened to your heart. It is like this with God. Beyond explaining and yet you know. Maybe the greatest proof of all is that you can't explain it, because things that can be explained can be explained away and yet this...it is so much deeper and it is the most real thing I know. I'm so glad.

So tonight as I blog, I am sitting out on the deck of my apartment house. I have been moved in since the middle of June and I absolutely love it here. It is exactly what I needed. It's the upstairs level apartment of a 2 story house in a nice neighborhood. It backs up to a field, so it is peaceful. I have 2 bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen, huge windows through the whole house, a sunroom that leads out to a huge deck with a view. Except for the bat I just heard, it's perfect! :) It's pretty dark out here except for the light of my computer screen and the moon. The temp is so mild and the crickets are going crazy. I feel blessed. I am blessed.

Earlier tonight, I went to Wal-Mart and ended up feeling pretty depressed. Actually, I think I always feel that way there. I think it's the fact that I know I'm going to buy "stuff" (that fact alone should make everyone depressed!), spend money I don't want to, be surrounded by strangers and generally these days, I get to feeling pretty lonely when I go out on my own. It's not anything new, but it's just more accute. At the height of my bummed-ness I saw Kurt Vogt from church and we chatted, so that was nice to be connected.

About the accuteness: It's like this symptom of something to come. The more the ache, the more the relief. I think change is coming. I am happy sitting on my deck alone, but I'll rejoice when I can invite someone along on this journey, and be part of theirs, too. I feel like it could almost be time, but In the space in between now and then, I feel that I'm doing exactly what I should be, not just sitting around wishing. There is so much peace in that alone.

So, tonight, I am enjoying my surroundings, being honest with my feelings, thankful for the weekend to hang out with my sister and her boys, celebrate my dad and brother's birthday, thankful for God's provision and grateful to be alive right here and now.

Maybe that's all I need to say for now.