Ode to the Changing of Seasons...

I don't know if this is really an ode, but nevertheless, I write. For the past few years, I've really struggled with the changing of seasons from Summer to Fall and Winter. I think one reason is because at heart I'm a California girl. I love the heat and sunshine, and although we moved to Colorado when I was 7, we still have over 300 days of sunshine here, too. I just begin to feel different when those fall winds come. It kind of messes with me, and I hate it, but it's my reality. I truly just feel DIFFERENT. Right now we are definitely in between. Tonight I went for a run. The temperature was perfect, but not too far down the road and I smelled the smell of smoke, a fireplace. The smell of winter, and I penned this to that effect.

breathing in the tell-tale sign

You may arrive-although not today

Seeing by the leaves all tousled in the trees

Something's in the wind-not ready to begin

I know that...

this is the in between

you can't decide

When you'll land

or how long you'll hide

This is the in between

snowflake or shine

leaves me feeling

like a leaf about to fall

and I will rise or fall with you


What makes you change the way you do?

So unpredictable, wish I could wrap my arms around you

Usher in another season and the signs of change

This is not how you make me feel

Do you know how you make me feel?


Could I but learn to accept that this is how it is

This is how it will be as much as I can forsee

Then I could enjoy the moments of unknowing

Knowing that change not now will still be

So I see that...


this is the in between

you can't decide

When you'll land

or how long you'll hide

This is the in between

snowflake or shine

leaves me feeling

like a leaf about to fall

and I will rise or fall with you

Dear Freaking Spider...

I want to let you know that I don't appreciate the unsolicited bite you seemed to feel necessary to inflict upon me. My leg hurts like mad dogs and is swollen and ugly, all thanks to you. I'd bite you back if I could, just to make it even, but I'd never bite a spider in a million years, so I guess you win this round, you jerk. Maybe I should describe in detail what I did to one of your pathetic relatives the other night. Or maybe you should just check out his flatness on the wall, compliments of my shoe-HA! Take that and chew on it! (yeah, instead of my leg next time)...

A year ago today...

Today marks the one year anniversary of living back in Colorado. On September 9, 2006 I left Nebraska to follow what I felt was God's direction and next step for me. There were so many steps that even led up to that. Steps of preparation, things that I had to release from my sometimes clenched fists. It was a process and it remains a process still. Life is the means, the end is to follow my maker with heart, soul, mind and strength.

Thank you, My God for bringing me back here. Thank you for every day of the past year when I've felt hopeless and wondered what was next. Thank you for giving me a church and people to connect to. Thank you for Hope House, for the girls and everyone who works there. I know that I am so blessed to be there. Thank you for provision at just the right moment. You know what I need and when. Thank you for a place to live: First at dad and Suzi's, then here in my own place. I could not have imagined this place to exist, but you opened the door wide for me. Thank you for continued opportunities with music, and that it never looks quite like I imagined it to, but it's always so good. And the priviledge of worshiping you is enough in and of itself. Thank you for telling me to wait and then giving me the hope to do so. You have confirmed so many things that I re-affirm my committment to you. I will wait as long as you tell me to. Thank you for peace in my heart. Thank you for showing me the difference of when it's you leading and when it's me trying to gain control. I am much more at peace when it's you and this is beyond a complete understanding or explanation, but I know the difference now.

"Lord, enfold me in the depths of your heart; and hold me there, refine, purge and set me on fire, raise me aloft until my own self knows utter annihilation"

A prayer of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and one that I pray tonight

I could not have done this without you. I can't live tomorrow, the next day, week, month or year without you. In fact, my next breath is a credit to you, so help me to be mindful of that, ready to live in a way that reflects that very fact.

You have all my love, my savior, my God.

I say this to you in gratitude and thanks.

a post script...

After posting the previous picture and thoughts about my mom, I looked at the date and just realized that September 5th would have been the 37th Anniversary of my parents marriage...

Wow, I really missed my mom tonight. Sometimes this feeling comes out of nowhere and it's like a wave, very sudden and intense and then just the same, it loses it's intensity and washes back quickly into the other more dormant emotions. It would be so nice just to talk with her face to face...but I know she knows.

This is a painting of her that hangs in my grandparents house. She and my uncle had it done for my grandparents anniversary when they were in college. I think it is one of their most treasured possessions.

A Father to the fatherless...

I'm so sad. I feel sick to my stomach. Nothing lets you prepare for this. Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.

Tonight I had to be the one to tell one of our teen moms at Hope House that the father of her two babies is dead. He was killed early this morning in a single car accident in the mountains. He was ejected from the vehicle and died instantly.

His sister came unannounced to the door because she was afraid it would be released and she would find out in a bad way. So she came and what can you do? I'll never forget her face. She knew. She just looked at me with huge eyes and said "what is going on? Is it bad? It's bad, isn't it?" I said, "Yes, it's bad". Then she heard his sister say he was dead and she just lost it.

She's 7 months pregnant with his baby and he's gone. He was going to be in the delivery room with her. I just held her and I could feel her stomach sobbing in and out and all I could think was of the little baby in there and that she'll never know her daddy. Then I thought of sweet Anya alseep in her crib so unaware that she'll never remember her daddy, either.

SO MUCH BROKENNESS, LORD!!!!!! WHY??? I BELIEVE YOU CRY, SO LET HER SENSE YOUR TEARS AND NOT YOUR NEGLECT.

I must remember the words I wrote 4 years ago and still believe tonight

I keep trying to figure you out
But all I see is more mystery
But I've felt your loving arms around my heart
So this is real enough for me

Real enough for me
a father to the fatherless
Real enough for me
a shelter in the wilderness
Real enough for me
so even when my eyes can't see
Still I know your love is real enough for me

When shades of doubt come and cloud my eyes
and I can't see you standing here
then I will hold tight to the unseen hands
and let go of all my fears

You're real enough for me
a father to the fatherless
real enough for me
a shelter in the wilderness
real enough for me
so even when my eyes can't see
still I know your love is real enough for me
still I know your love is real enough for me