I have been embarking on a Daniel Fast. It began quite as an accident, but I use the word "accident" very loosely. With God, nothing is accidental. I thought I'd be very strict with myself, so as to beat these crusty demons out of me - (water only for 10 days, steel yourself for the battle)...then I fell flat on my face by the middle of the first day, so hungry and weak and unable. On the way home from work that day I thought "I'll just go get some vegetables from the store"...and right there in Sunflower Market, in the produce section, I hear the word of the Lord..."I want you to desire the things that are pure"... So, I bought stock in veggies and fruits that day, and I have become quite creative, but it is something, yes, it is something! It is the work of the Spirit in me...(so good is God)...that every time I eat I feel him rejoicing over me as I fill up on these vegetables and fruits...I mean, there is nothing magical about veggies...but just as Jesus revealed things through the commonplace, so that they weren't commonplace any longer upon his touch. So it is here.
I feel so much freedom and it is a beautiful thing.
I want to desire the things that are pure. I want to desire all of God.
I feel like there is a flower blooming right out of my heart. I feel like I just took my fingers out of my ears. I feel like I'm coming alive again.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
slipping time, slipping soul (Fasting Day 1-3)
If someone would have asked me how long it has been since I had written a blog here, I probably would have responded with something like this: "Oh, it's been a while...maybe since the spring of '09"...Well, count me as wrong. I can hardly believe it, but computers never lie (they don't, do they?" It's been since April of 2008? Really??? What have I done since April of 2008? The answer is, I've done a lot, but a lot of it has just gone into the void space, which is sometimes okay, but mostly, I'd like to be able to look back and recount these things. I'd like to recount again the ways that the Lord has showed his goodness in the middle of so many emotions varying from depression, to utter elation in seeing his provision, to guilt and struggle, to apathy. How frail I am...but I am here.
So, it is Lent 2010, and I am fasting...ending day 3, actually. It has come to the point where God always seems to let me know when I need to begin a fast. Not a booming voice, but more of a familiar nudge. This familiar nudge has always been met with a certain sense of anticipation as well as a good dose of dread and anxiety, and this time is no exception to the rule.
I began thinking that I would do a 10 day, water only fast. I didn't feel extremely prepared, but thought I'd just push through. I didn't even do anything for the beginning of Lent, Ash Wednesday. I was going to fast just that day and totally flopped! I was so hungry at work and thought "well, I'll begin later". I knew I'd be singing in a wedding this past weekend and that it wouldn't really be an appropriate time to be fasting- for so many reasons...So, after little sleep and lots of food and beverages after a long weekend, I attempted to begin on Monday. This attempt was met with some of the most intense fatigue I've ever experienced during fasting, and all while I was at work. If I'd been home, able to lay down, pray, push through, that might have been something different. I don't know if it was mostly a mental hurdle of knowing I'd begun to go without food, but whatever it was, it translated to me literally falling asleep at my computer and being in a total dizzying fog while I stood scanning documents into the copier. So, what did I do? I ate 5 almonds. It helped. Some. I thought, "How can I justify fasting when I can't physically perform my job?" So, I began to ponder this thought and how I felt in my spirit and I thought about what I'd been reading in Daniel. The Daniel fast of vegetables and water only for 10 days. And I just landed there. Only vegetables (and fruit) for 10 days. And thus began this time of fasting.
I anticipated that it wouldn't be much of a fast because I wasn't REALLY going without. I changed my mind today when my boss asked me to go to Winchell's and buy donuts for everyone in the office. Oh, did I mention that we also had breakfast burritos? We did. I didn't. I really, really wanted to. Let me add one more "REALLY" to that sentence! Two words: apple fritter.
So, these are the things that have become readily apparent to me, and I believe a work of revelation of the Spirit, even in the last 3 days:
I've been feeling very weak in my spirit. There has been a slow crack of my soul with God. Nothing abundantly obvious. But a crack is a crack, even if only apparent by looking closely. It still has devastating effects. So it is with me, and I have felt it. Nothing is compartmentalized, even when we want it to be. We are Body, Mind, Spirit and when one suffers, so do the others. So, it became very clear on Monday the condition of my soul. This says nothing about God's love for me. I feel loved and treasured all the same. But there have been so many other fasts that have been relatively easy, as my spirit is strong and I am ready to bear down with God. Not the feeling this time.
Here is the beautiful thing: I went to Sunflower Market and bought plenty of fruits and vegetables. And this is what I feel like God is showing me:
This is not about how much you give up
Eat as many fruits and vegetables you like-to your hearts delight
this is about desiring (maybe learning to desire) what is pure
you will crave junk (physically and spiritually), and it is readily available, but it will never fulfill you
So, Lord, here I am
I'm kind of a wreck, and I will resist the temptation to compare my soul situation to others who are "more of a wreck". It doesn't matter. I see where I stand. You never move, but I have moved, so I feel the sting, although, still yet, I feel Love. Even if I didn't, I'd believe Love.
I'm tired of the lust and the discontentment of my soul. I'm tired of where it leads me. Much too far from your heart and into my own cravings for the temporary gratification. As if that ever gave me what I really desire. I don't deny the powerful desire to be in a relationship, to be a wife and a mother. But that still must be met through unselfishness and purity.
So, Holy Spirit, Come! Convince me of what I already know. As I stretch out my hand to yours extended, teach me a new facet of your face and of your heart.
So, Lord, thank you for meeting me and being ultimate Good. Thank you for speaking. Help me to listen well.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of Peace will be with you" Philippians 4:8-9
So, it is Lent 2010, and I am fasting...ending day 3, actually. It has come to the point where God always seems to let me know when I need to begin a fast. Not a booming voice, but more of a familiar nudge. This familiar nudge has always been met with a certain sense of anticipation as well as a good dose of dread and anxiety, and this time is no exception to the rule.
I began thinking that I would do a 10 day, water only fast. I didn't feel extremely prepared, but thought I'd just push through. I didn't even do anything for the beginning of Lent, Ash Wednesday. I was going to fast just that day and totally flopped! I was so hungry at work and thought "well, I'll begin later". I knew I'd be singing in a wedding this past weekend and that it wouldn't really be an appropriate time to be fasting- for so many reasons...So, after little sleep and lots of food and beverages after a long weekend, I attempted to begin on Monday. This attempt was met with some of the most intense fatigue I've ever experienced during fasting, and all while I was at work. If I'd been home, able to lay down, pray, push through, that might have been something different. I don't know if it was mostly a mental hurdle of knowing I'd begun to go without food, but whatever it was, it translated to me literally falling asleep at my computer and being in a total dizzying fog while I stood scanning documents into the copier. So, what did I do? I ate 5 almonds. It helped. Some. I thought, "How can I justify fasting when I can't physically perform my job?" So, I began to ponder this thought and how I felt in my spirit and I thought about what I'd been reading in Daniel. The Daniel fast of vegetables and water only for 10 days. And I just landed there. Only vegetables (and fruit) for 10 days. And thus began this time of fasting.
I anticipated that it wouldn't be much of a fast because I wasn't REALLY going without. I changed my mind today when my boss asked me to go to Winchell's and buy donuts for everyone in the office. Oh, did I mention that we also had breakfast burritos? We did. I didn't. I really, really wanted to. Let me add one more "REALLY" to that sentence! Two words: apple fritter.
So, these are the things that have become readily apparent to me, and I believe a work of revelation of the Spirit, even in the last 3 days:
I've been feeling very weak in my spirit. There has been a slow crack of my soul with God. Nothing abundantly obvious. But a crack is a crack, even if only apparent by looking closely. It still has devastating effects. So it is with me, and I have felt it. Nothing is compartmentalized, even when we want it to be. We are Body, Mind, Spirit and when one suffers, so do the others. So, it became very clear on Monday the condition of my soul. This says nothing about God's love for me. I feel loved and treasured all the same. But there have been so many other fasts that have been relatively easy, as my spirit is strong and I am ready to bear down with God. Not the feeling this time.
Here is the beautiful thing: I went to Sunflower Market and bought plenty of fruits and vegetables. And this is what I feel like God is showing me:
This is not about how much you give up
Eat as many fruits and vegetables you like-to your hearts delight
this is about desiring (maybe learning to desire) what is pure
you will crave junk (physically and spiritually), and it is readily available, but it will never fulfill you
So, Lord, here I am
I'm kind of a wreck, and I will resist the temptation to compare my soul situation to others who are "more of a wreck". It doesn't matter. I see where I stand. You never move, but I have moved, so I feel the sting, although, still yet, I feel Love. Even if I didn't, I'd believe Love.
I'm tired of the lust and the discontentment of my soul. I'm tired of where it leads me. Much too far from your heart and into my own cravings for the temporary gratification. As if that ever gave me what I really desire. I don't deny the powerful desire to be in a relationship, to be a wife and a mother. But that still must be met through unselfishness and purity.
So, Holy Spirit, Come! Convince me of what I already know. As I stretch out my hand to yours extended, teach me a new facet of your face and of your heart.
So, Lord, thank you for meeting me and being ultimate Good. Thank you for speaking. Help me to listen well.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of Peace will be with you" Philippians 4:8-9
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