A simple blog bid farewell to my twenties and just to say that I had a really nice day...
I got a great call from a friend who ALWAYS remembers my birthday, even if it's the one time a year we talk.
I got a call from my sis who tried to get the kiddos to sing and they all chickened out...I smiled.
Jen and Kevin Fuller called on their way to Chicago. Jen is my girl birthday buddy. Love that!
I picked up my friend, Jessica from Union Station. She rode the train overnight from Lincoln to get here early and hang out with me on my birthday.
We got breakfast in the highlands and had a great conversation.
We got manicures and pedicures!!! wonderful!
Had lunch with Jessica and my friend Alan from church who is my boy birthday buddy. We ate greasy hamburgers and then sang happy birthday to each other and paid for each other's meal, which is kind of corny, but FUN! I gave him a lightsaber. That's right, a lightsaber.
I gave Jessica a tour of Hope House and then dropped her off.
I came to work at Hope House as usual.
Right now, I'm wishing I was asleep already, but hey, I only turn 30 once, right?
So, Happy Birthday to Me, Jen and Alan
Happy St. Joseph's Day...give it up for Jesus' dad!
And Happy Spring!!!
And Happy Easter!!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
How life is...
A late night here at Hope House...it's my choice this time, but even when it's not, I don't mind. I'm sitting in the office here, eating an occasional chocolate pretzel, trying not to smudge chocolate on my white Macbook. All my stuff from my overnight bag to a projector and my trusty guitar is sprawled out all over the place now that the girls have gone to bed. To me, this is a beautiful thing. To me this is like home and home for my heart. So why did I take that other job? Well, that's what I've been asking myself for the past 3 weeks.
I thought it was God's plan, although there wasn't any over-abundance of peace, but it seemed that the outward circumstances and wisdom spoke louder than my inward doubts. It was what I'd been asking for, right? There certainly were a lot of green lights, so I decided to leap after pondering for a week after being offered the job. Maybe it is His plan, but as I've sat in that office for the past 3 weeks, I have felt that a very big part of me is just shriveling up. I feel almost withered and I dread going every single day, which by the way, is only Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times I've ever felt that way about Hope House in the past year and a half...and that was just after an extremely tough week, but with this job it's every day. This can't be good, can it?
Now, don't get me wrong, the job I have is probably amazing. There are people who would kill for a job like this. A fairly high profile organization that does such amazing non profit work and the job just fell into my lap, out of nowhere. There was no application process, it was like it was there for the taking and I don't even know why. I still don't get why they thought I was the best candidate for the job. I really, really don't know.
On top of that, I didn't even have to totally quit working at Hope House. I just dropped down from 4 overnights to 2 overnights a week, so I thought it wasn't a big deal. But you know what? I hate it! I hate being gone from here. I honestly had no idea how much I'd miss being here with the girls and kids and feeling connected to their lives. Laughing, crying, praying, dealing with the annoyances and loving them and their kids all the more.
The thing is, if God's doing something bigger than what I can fathom and immediately see, then fine. I'm all for that. But at the risk of being a drama queen, I'm starting to feel like Marty McFly in back to the future. Remember that scene when he goes back in time and his future mom starts dancing with another guy besides his future dad and he takes out the picture of his family and they are starting to disappear and his hand is, too? I kind of feel like I'm venturing down some weird path that sets my stomach to flipping at the thought of it. It's not even that I think there's this one selected path and if I miss it, God's gonna strike me down. I feel freedom there, but with the freedom of choice comes the desolation and consolation and boy, do I feel desolate at this point in time.
I feel like I could drop this job in 1.5 seconds and never look back in regret. But, how do I balance these emotions with what might be something that I'm supposed to learn from? Just because something is uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's wrong, but where do I place my emotions?
Also, this is a tough time because I'm still missing mom after 11 years and today is her death day. I know it's truly for her a passing to LIFE day, but for us down here, it's still death and it still stings temporarily. So many days I just want to call her on the phone like I used to. How I would love to hear what she'd have to say about all this.
I'm 29, teetering on the edge of 30, which means that this year and at this particular time, I'm the exact age mom was when she had me. The void feels bigger each year. I used to get annoyed when friends would whine about their age and so now I'm annoyed at myself! I think, "Get over it!!!: But I do feel bummed that my 30th birthday is next Wednesday and is sandwiched on either side by two weddings: One the weekend before, and one the weekend after. One of the things that happened when I thought about taking this job was that my boss here at Hope House said "You won't be a residential counselor at Hope House forever, but this opportunity could be your career" And I thought immediately that I don't want or care about a freaking career because I really just want to be a wife and a mom and I know I'm called to music and to ministry.
I felt God calling me to a strict focus this year and now I just feel like I'm all over the place, in such a place of unrest. So where does this leave me? Well, before I say anything else, I know that if you read this blog, you might begin to wonder if I'm perpetually depressed and bemoaning my single state and in a constant mode of reminiscing. I really don't think that's true, it's just that when I get to a point of needing to vent something out, it's usually here that I do it to get some semblance of order.
Again, where does this leave me? Well, must God change my feelings? What if that doesn't happen? A couple of weeks ago as I was working, I felt an overwhelming sense of just wanting to leave and not come back and then in the depth of that feeling, there was this Peace, and I mean Peace, as in it was like a tangible person, which I can only assume was Jesus was right beside me. I felt something touch my head, akin to when a dad or grandpa pats his kids on the head to comfort. That's what it felt like and I heard him say, "It's okay, there's a reason for this, just hang on". I guess I'm just trying to figure out what that means.
I thought it was God's plan, although there wasn't any over-abundance of peace, but it seemed that the outward circumstances and wisdom spoke louder than my inward doubts. It was what I'd been asking for, right? There certainly were a lot of green lights, so I decided to leap after pondering for a week after being offered the job. Maybe it is His plan, but as I've sat in that office for the past 3 weeks, I have felt that a very big part of me is just shriveling up. I feel almost withered and I dread going every single day, which by the way, is only Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the times I've ever felt that way about Hope House in the past year and a half...and that was just after an extremely tough week, but with this job it's every day. This can't be good, can it?
Now, don't get me wrong, the job I have is probably amazing. There are people who would kill for a job like this. A fairly high profile organization that does such amazing non profit work and the job just fell into my lap, out of nowhere. There was no application process, it was like it was there for the taking and I don't even know why. I still don't get why they thought I was the best candidate for the job. I really, really don't know.
On top of that, I didn't even have to totally quit working at Hope House. I just dropped down from 4 overnights to 2 overnights a week, so I thought it wasn't a big deal. But you know what? I hate it! I hate being gone from here. I honestly had no idea how much I'd miss being here with the girls and kids and feeling connected to their lives. Laughing, crying, praying, dealing with the annoyances and loving them and their kids all the more.
The thing is, if God's doing something bigger than what I can fathom and immediately see, then fine. I'm all for that. But at the risk of being a drama queen, I'm starting to feel like Marty McFly in back to the future. Remember that scene when he goes back in time and his future mom starts dancing with another guy besides his future dad and he takes out the picture of his family and they are starting to disappear and his hand is, too? I kind of feel like I'm venturing down some weird path that sets my stomach to flipping at the thought of it. It's not even that I think there's this one selected path and if I miss it, God's gonna strike me down. I feel freedom there, but with the freedom of choice comes the desolation and consolation and boy, do I feel desolate at this point in time.
I feel like I could drop this job in 1.5 seconds and never look back in regret. But, how do I balance these emotions with what might be something that I'm supposed to learn from? Just because something is uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's wrong, but where do I place my emotions?
Also, this is a tough time because I'm still missing mom after 11 years and today is her death day. I know it's truly for her a passing to LIFE day, but for us down here, it's still death and it still stings temporarily. So many days I just want to call her on the phone like I used to. How I would love to hear what she'd have to say about all this.
I'm 29, teetering on the edge of 30, which means that this year and at this particular time, I'm the exact age mom was when she had me. The void feels bigger each year. I used to get annoyed when friends would whine about their age and so now I'm annoyed at myself! I think, "Get over it!!!: But I do feel bummed that my 30th birthday is next Wednesday and is sandwiched on either side by two weddings: One the weekend before, and one the weekend after. One of the things that happened when I thought about taking this job was that my boss here at Hope House said "You won't be a residential counselor at Hope House forever, but this opportunity could be your career" And I thought immediately that I don't want or care about a freaking career because I really just want to be a wife and a mom and I know I'm called to music and to ministry.
I felt God calling me to a strict focus this year and now I just feel like I'm all over the place, in such a place of unrest. So where does this leave me? Well, before I say anything else, I know that if you read this blog, you might begin to wonder if I'm perpetually depressed and bemoaning my single state and in a constant mode of reminiscing. I really don't think that's true, it's just that when I get to a point of needing to vent something out, it's usually here that I do it to get some semblance of order.
Again, where does this leave me? Well, must God change my feelings? What if that doesn't happen? A couple of weeks ago as I was working, I felt an overwhelming sense of just wanting to leave and not come back and then in the depth of that feeling, there was this Peace, and I mean Peace, as in it was like a tangible person, which I can only assume was Jesus was right beside me. I felt something touch my head, akin to when a dad or grandpa pats his kids on the head to comfort. That's what it felt like and I heard him say, "It's okay, there's a reason for this, just hang on". I guess I'm just trying to figure out what that means.
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