I kept this as a draft for a long time after one of the youth in Alliance was killed just driving home on a country road. I read it again and it gave me perspective, so with that in mind and more than a year later, I publish this post...
My toenail fell off last night...
Nic didn't get another day.
I had to get a mole removed 3 days ago...
Nic didn't get another day.
I had to have stiches for the first time in my 28 years...
Nic didn't get another day.
I feel scared about moving, about change.
Nic didn't get another day.
I'm worried about my little brother...
Nic didn't get another day.
Where will the money come from?
Nic didn't get another day.
Will I ever pay off my credit cards?
Nic didn't get another day.
God Bless Nic and all the youth who mourn him.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
If I had a dollar for every time...
As I was saying, If I had a dollar for every time someone has suggested that my husband is probably waiting for me down in Colorado, well, I'd have at least $20 bucks in my wallet by now! But you know, with gas prices the way they are, that would only get me as far as Cheyenne! And to think I was SO close to married bliss! How Sad.
Seriously, though...what's the deal? Is this some kind of random prophecy, or is it just nice old ladies trying to make me feel better about being 28 and single (I didn't know I felt bad!). Whatever the case, I'm feeling antsy to go. And no, not because Mr. Man is scaling madly up and down the Rocky Mountains to find me, but thankfully because I feel the pull of God. For all I can tell, in spite of my tears of leaving Alliance and Nebraska in general (it really grows on ya after 9 years), there is something deeper pushing me on, and so I will go...wherever.
Lord, I am excited for this journey. I feel it's you, and so that is enough.
I end with this advice that has meant a great deal to me in the last couple of months of discerning: by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Patient Trust
Above all, trust in the slow work of God
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to
something unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing though
some stages of instability-
and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
your ideas mature gradually-let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O God you are my God... and step by step you'll lead me and I will follow you all of my days...
Seriously, though...what's the deal? Is this some kind of random prophecy, or is it just nice old ladies trying to make me feel better about being 28 and single (I didn't know I felt bad!). Whatever the case, I'm feeling antsy to go. And no, not because Mr. Man is scaling madly up and down the Rocky Mountains to find me, but thankfully because I feel the pull of God. For all I can tell, in spite of my tears of leaving Alliance and Nebraska in general (it really grows on ya after 9 years), there is something deeper pushing me on, and so I will go...wherever.
Lord, I am excited for this journey. I feel it's you, and so that is enough.
I end with this advice that has meant a great deal to me in the last couple of months of discerning: by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Patient Trust
Above all, trust in the slow work of God
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to
something unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing though
some stages of instability-
and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
your ideas mature gradually-let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O God you are my God... and step by step you'll lead me and I will follow you all of my days...
Friday, May 19, 2006
God Made Boots...
I love my nephew Josh. Three years old with bright blond hair and two treacherous cowlicks swirling around the back of his head, creating constant spikey bed-head hair. His smile is like sunshine and he talks to everyone he sees. "Hi! How's it going?" He says this to the old ladies at the hardware store and anyone else who will listen.
Lately, I haven't been around very much, but when I do come through the door, his latest thing is to come give me a hug and then go run and tell my sister, "Mommy, Krista loves us!" Yep. He's right. I do!
Last night, I came home late, was super hungry and discouraged...until Josh busted onto the scene. He was hauling around his black winter boots that he loves to wear. He zipped them up and proudly said, "Krista, look at these boots. I love my boots. God made my boots!" His dad said, "God didn't make your boots, people did." And Josh vehemently said, "No, Dad, God made my boots for me!" I said, "Tell me how God made your boots, Josh". He said, "Welllllll, God made my boots in a factory just for me!".
Behind the smile and laughter I thought of how much I want to be like Josh. It's just enough to know that God is there. In a funny way, I think that Josh is right, God did make the boots. I mean, without God there's nothing. No world, No people, No black boots. I guess I'd like to exist more and more in the realm of having one thing certain. It would be this: GOD IS. And if God is, then I can stay there securely even when my own boots fall off.
Lately, I haven't been around very much, but when I do come through the door, his latest thing is to come give me a hug and then go run and tell my sister, "Mommy, Krista loves us!" Yep. He's right. I do!
Last night, I came home late, was super hungry and discouraged...until Josh busted onto the scene. He was hauling around his black winter boots that he loves to wear. He zipped them up and proudly said, "Krista, look at these boots. I love my boots. God made my boots!" His dad said, "God didn't make your boots, people did." And Josh vehemently said, "No, Dad, God made my boots for me!" I said, "Tell me how God made your boots, Josh". He said, "Welllllll, God made my boots in a factory just for me!".
Behind the smile and laughter I thought of how much I want to be like Josh. It's just enough to know that God is there. In a funny way, I think that Josh is right, God did make the boots. I mean, without God there's nothing. No world, No people, No black boots. I guess I'd like to exist more and more in the realm of having one thing certain. It would be this: GOD IS. And if God is, then I can stay there securely even when my own boots fall off.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
26.2 Miles of Sheer Bliss!!!
I never dreamed I would do this, but I did...I never thought I'd know what it felt like to run for 5 hours and 19 minutes straight, but now I know! I fought laringitis and a secondary infection that wiped me out a month before the race, I struggled to keep things together when I pulled my tendon on my 20 mile run two weeks before the marathon and had to succumb to sitting out of my runs, icing the heck out of my foot just to get it better. No, I am not a specimen of all that running is, but I pushed my own limits and I went beyond my boundaries, and I accomplished the goal: I FINISHED!!!
The alarm sounded way too early a week ago Sunday and it also signaled the start of something I hoped I could complete. I changed clothes twice, put makeup on (which I laughed at myself for doing!), drank my power shake and finally laced up my shoes. It was now or never.
The gun sounded and there I was with 4,000 others heading in the same direction: The journey and the finish line. It is amazing how much faster time goes when you are running with someone beside you. We are not meant to be alone! I had the privilege of running with a lady named Nancy from mile 7-13, where she finished the half-marathon. We talked about her decision of whether to keep her public school job or teach in a private school and we shared stories along the way. She met me back at mile 24 when I was wanting so badly to stop and she cheered me on! Thank you Nancy!
Out of the blue, I saw my old college friend, Suzi Anderson-Haggeman running beside me. What a surprise! I found out that it was her grandpa for whom the Lincoln Marathon was started. Olympian Lewis Robbins Anderson...what a legacy!
I saw my friend Luke getting ready to make his dash to the finish as I was rounding the corner of mile 17. He's pretty much a monster when it comes to running. 3:09 for your first marathon? Yea, that's pretty good! Way to go, Luke! Thanks for dragging me into this (and waiting for me at the finish line!)
And what shall I say about my dearest friends, Jessica, Candi, Jenny, Melissa and Jessica Foster? They ran like wild women all over the streets of Lincoln, dodging one way streets and blocked intersections just to meet me all along the way and scream and holler my name...I love you, girls!
At mile 23 I really wanted to stop, I hurt all over and was so tired and then I started talking to myself out loud, "You can make it, Krista. You are TOTALLY going to make it!!!" I made up this mantra from scripture: "I run like a man not beating the air, gonna win the prize, win the prize..." and so it went to the rhythm of my pounding steps, over and over again...
There is something so completely spiritual about all of this. The idea of perseverance takes on a whole new world for me. What it really feels like to go when you don't want to go anymore. To push and then push harder just to get one foot in front of the other. To know that people are cheering you on, running beside you, but still in the end, we each have our race that only we can run...Thank you God, for teaching me something new all the time, I just didn't know it would come in the form of a marathon!
Lastly, I want to tell you what it felt like to round the corner and see the finish line only .2 miles ahead. A feeling washed over me that I can't quite compare to anything else. I caught myself off guard as it came into view and as I heard people start cheering my name from still a distance away. The tears were in my eyes, throat, stomach and I couldn't quite catch my breath as I realized I was about to complete what I'd been working towards for 5 winter months. I cried and smiled and ran with a new burst across the finish line...No, I wasn't fast, but I was consistent. And when I hurt, I said a prayer of thanks that I had legs to run on and a body that was healthy enough to get me the distance. What blessings!
I'm thankful for this adventure! I end with a runner's prayer:
Run by my side-live in my heartbeat;
give strength to my steps.
As the cold confronts me,
as the wind pushes me,
I know you surround me.
As the sun warms me,
as the rain cleanses me,
I know you are touching me,
challenging me,
loving me.
And so I give you this run;
thank you for matching my stride.
Amen!
The alarm sounded way too early a week ago Sunday and it also signaled the start of something I hoped I could complete. I changed clothes twice, put makeup on (which I laughed at myself for doing!), drank my power shake and finally laced up my shoes. It was now or never.
The gun sounded and there I was with 4,000 others heading in the same direction: The journey and the finish line. It is amazing how much faster time goes when you are running with someone beside you. We are not meant to be alone! I had the privilege of running with a lady named Nancy from mile 7-13, where she finished the half-marathon. We talked about her decision of whether to keep her public school job or teach in a private school and we shared stories along the way. She met me back at mile 24 when I was wanting so badly to stop and she cheered me on! Thank you Nancy!
Out of the blue, I saw my old college friend, Suzi Anderson-Haggeman running beside me. What a surprise! I found out that it was her grandpa for whom the Lincoln Marathon was started. Olympian Lewis Robbins Anderson...what a legacy!
I saw my friend Luke getting ready to make his dash to the finish as I was rounding the corner of mile 17. He's pretty much a monster when it comes to running. 3:09 for your first marathon? Yea, that's pretty good! Way to go, Luke! Thanks for dragging me into this (and waiting for me at the finish line!)
And what shall I say about my dearest friends, Jessica, Candi, Jenny, Melissa and Jessica Foster? They ran like wild women all over the streets of Lincoln, dodging one way streets and blocked intersections just to meet me all along the way and scream and holler my name...I love you, girls!
At mile 23 I really wanted to stop, I hurt all over and was so tired and then I started talking to myself out loud, "You can make it, Krista. You are TOTALLY going to make it!!!" I made up this mantra from scripture: "I run like a man not beating the air, gonna win the prize, win the prize..." and so it went to the rhythm of my pounding steps, over and over again...
There is something so completely spiritual about all of this. The idea of perseverance takes on a whole new world for me. What it really feels like to go when you don't want to go anymore. To push and then push harder just to get one foot in front of the other. To know that people are cheering you on, running beside you, but still in the end, we each have our race that only we can run...Thank you God, for teaching me something new all the time, I just didn't know it would come in the form of a marathon!
Lastly, I want to tell you what it felt like to round the corner and see the finish line only .2 miles ahead. A feeling washed over me that I can't quite compare to anything else. I caught myself off guard as it came into view and as I heard people start cheering my name from still a distance away. The tears were in my eyes, throat, stomach and I couldn't quite catch my breath as I realized I was about to complete what I'd been working towards for 5 winter months. I cried and smiled and ran with a new burst across the finish line...No, I wasn't fast, but I was consistent. And when I hurt, I said a prayer of thanks that I had legs to run on and a body that was healthy enough to get me the distance. What blessings!
I'm thankful for this adventure! I end with a runner's prayer:
Run by my side-live in my heartbeat;
give strength to my steps.
As the cold confronts me,
as the wind pushes me,
I know you surround me.
As the sun warms me,
as the rain cleanses me,
I know you are touching me,
challenging me,
loving me.
And so I give you this run;
thank you for matching my stride.
Amen!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
frozen...
what do you do when all you can do is sit...and wait...and wonder...when everything seems so perfect in the equation and yet everything is just...frozen.
I would like to take this situation into my hands and make it what I think it should be. I would like to make everything fit into this story I have created and has been created for me. I would like all these peices to fit into my world. I would like to believe that God is not teasing me. I would like to do all of these things because of the here and the now and the lonely. But trampling through this tangled forest of my mind, I stop all at once...and on the forest floor where I almost planted my eager foot I see the smallest of flowers. Maybe it will grow, or maybe it will wither due to time and circumstance, but nevertheless, I have seen it and I stop to look at the beauty that is and that I hope could be. It will take all the strength I have not to pry open the petals, knowing that at whatever point I take it into my hands, will be the exact point that the growth will stop and I will be left with a flower, unable to grow in it's own way and in it's own time. I will remain frozen, waiting for the thaw... and I will wait...I will wait...
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