The Lion and The Maze...

There I was. In the Maze. There was no way to find my way through and with every effort, I became more lost, disoriented and disillusioned. Some people had told me this would be fun, that it would be a journey of exploration, but now that I was in the Maze all alone, all I wanted was OUT. But there was no exit. Trapped.

That’s when I felt the wind start to blow through the tiniest whisps of my hair. How could this be? I hadn’t felt a breeze in the Maze EVER. All the walls and blockages kept any air from flowing and it was stifling. But as I stood there trying to understand, I knew this wasn’t just wind. This was BREATH. It grew stronger and stronger. At first it was exciting because it was new and gave me a glimmer of hope that something was shifting, but then as the breath-wind grew to gale-force, I became terrified. These walls protected me! No matter how much I hated being lost, still there was a familiarity to it all. A sense of safety from the unknown that could be lurking just outside the Maze. But it was too late. My heart’s cry had stirred something to life.

That’s when the first wall of the Maze started to give way. It couldn’t stand under the force coming after me. Then the crumbing began-almost like explosions of dynamite. Invisible wrecking balls destroyed every last barricade. I crouched down, almost in fetal position, covering my head. Waiting for it all to be over. And then the silence.

I expected it to be a disaster zone. So much debris, so much cleanup. And still alone in it all. But when I opened my eyes, I could not believe what I saw. Nothing. A blank slate. No bricks, no debris from all the deconstruction, just a wide open room, but completely empty of anything.

Somehow, I had been moved to one corner of the now bare room. At least I felt less vulnerable there, and yet felt totally naked at the same time. I tried to get my bearings, but there was nothing to orient me to this new normal of no walls.

Then I saw the Lion.

He was clear across the expanse of the empty room. Sitting in the corner opposite of me. And he was staring me down. I knew in an instant that this was his work. He had blown these walls down and now there was nothing in between us but blank space and a stare that made my heart jump out of my chest.

I was terrified because he was calculated. I could see the muscles in his body start to tense and he crouched a little lower. My pupils dilated and I knew this was it. I was done. I noticed his whiskers. They were twitching around his mouth and one little corner of his mouth went up. But I didn’t understand.

Then in one instant, he closed every gap that existed between us as he rushed me. I felt his heavy paws land on my shoulders and completely surround me and my face got lost in fur and breath. I thought I was being eaten alive, so I went to my next instinct: Play dead. Numb out-it will end better this way, I thought.

But then the Barrel rolls began. Around and around we went. I was helpless to it. Heavy paws, fur, breath and rolling was shaking up and loosening every last piece on the inside of me. I knew he could devour me, but he didn’t and then all at once I knew that he wouldn’t. The instant this knowing landed in my heart, I heard him roar with laughter and he pulled me back and I saw his eyes-really saw them up close. I saw oceans and mountains and worlds and every living thing that ever existed was dancing around in the deepest pools of sparkling amber-brown. 

His eyes had a defibrillating effect. It was like he put his eyes on my heart and I felt my heart Sync up to everything that has always been. That was when I laughed. I barely recognized the sound. But I remembered it from a long time ago. I was shocked at how much it sounded like him, because it was real. It wasn’t a cover for pain anymore. It was LIFE. 

And then we started to play. I ran after him and tackled him and we did more barrel rolls. He tossed me up in the air and I had no fear of crashing to the ground. All my pain was a faint memory, totally absorbed in his eyes and his heart. And then it slowly and naturally morphed into something different. A dance. Coordinated steps. Learning, teaching, leaning, stretching, and more synchronization and TRUST.

That’s when the first strike slashed across my back. I reeled and spun around and the next slash went straight across my chest. I looked down in shock. Lions claws. Instantly drawing blood. HOW??? WHY??? I drew away and instantly heard a voice say, “THE LION DID IT!!!” And I believed the voice. I saw a wall instantly erect in the room and start to form another maze. The claw marks looked right, so it must be. Why was I so foolish to trust a wild animal!?

What I couldn’t see was that there, in another corner of the room, tucked into the shadows was an adversary. One that studied every move of the Lion and knew the shape of his claws, as he had been subjected to them once and for all. But once was all it took for this creature to begin to counterfeit out of his own rage of defeat. He was one like a bloodhound who had tracked down all my wounds and knew exactly where they resided. He knew how to strike a blow to divide and conquer. Pride, fear, doubt, disbelief.

The Lion turned and roared at the adversary and blew back the shadows he was hiding in and then I saw him: Black, dark and shrouded with one outstretched arm with claws extended and my blood on them still. He struck the blow and pointed the finger simultaneously. But with that recognition, the accuser self-destructed before my eyes. I didn’t know what to believe, but I wouldn’t believe his lies.

Then the Lion grabbed me. My first thought was that I was dying. How much pain would I continue to feel until it was over? The place of shock. I didn’t know what to do or if I could even survive this. There was nothing here to help me:

No bandages, no medicine. Nothing but the Lion.

Then he took me deep into himself. A kind of darkness that I knew was the valley of the shadow of death. But He was with me and I was in him. Heavy paws landed on each bleeding wound. Pain and pressure. Salve and rapture. I looked down and with each touch of his paw, the wounds began to disappear. He knew how to treat each one.

He held me tightly there for the long, dark day and into the night and let me cry it all out. I didn’t have to say a word because he already knew.

Then, slowly, like a rising sun with new mercy, the laughter returned, like the first songbird welcomes the dawn. The dance was re-learned and I trusted and leaned back willingly into the Truth. We began to play again, barrel rolling out into the open fields of his heart in mine.

"There's no shadow you won't light up, no mountain you won't climb up, coming after me.  There's no wall you won't kick down, there's no lie you won't tear down, coming after me."
Reckless Love by Cory Asbury

                     Sketch and painting by Stephanie Soto-Rivera 8-10-18

Easter Vigil 2018...

Easter Sunrise on the Natchez Trace, Tupelo, Mississippi

Oftentimes, my heart is so full and things run so deep that I don’t know how to even begin to describe and adequately bring them to the surface to share with others, but on this Easter Vigil 3 am, I will try.

10 years ago, over New Years Of 2007, I had a vision of our Lord Jesus while attending the One Thing conference in Kansas City. I felt a clear call to attend this event and so drove through a blizzard 15 hrs from Denver to get there. When we arrived at the convention center in KC, worship had already started and as we made the way up the escalator into the main hall, the Presence and Glory of God was thick, tangible and weighty, even standing at the very back of the huge convention room of 20,000 people. We found our seats and began to worship...as I closed my eyes and lifted my hands, a vision opened up before me. 

I was walking through a massive crowd of people-So many people crowding in all around me so that I could not even see where I was going or what I was looking for. I began to put my arms out to better clear a way through-almost like swimming through the sea of people on the right and left in order to move forward and press through. I didn’t know what I was moving towards, I just knew I needed to get there this way. And then all at once everything stopped and there he was, looking at me before I ever even saw him. I was rocketed back to a halt by his eyes that were looking at me. HIS EYES. They were like fire, deep chocolate, and the deepest waters. How to describe them??? There is no way. It was like you could jump into them and never come back and that would be just fine. Endless oceans of love and life itself, and those eyes were looking at me in the most intense way. It was like the burning bush: you want to look and behold, but you have to look away or be consumed. 

My heart and breath stopped and everything froze in that moment. STILL. And he spoke 5 words: 🔥”I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE”🔥 and because I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, he reached out and pulled me in. But it wasn’t a hug, because you see, I didn’t stop. There was no longer a boundary of skin and bones and matter. When he pulled me in, I just kept going and I disappeared into him and into his heart and into the all consuming fire. 

And that was it. I never wanted to return. I could never forget his eyes, his voice, his face and his love. I was in him and he in me and you don’t just come back from that without a mark. To put it bluntly and at the risk of being borderline scandalous, it is not sex, but it is what sex represents. Communion, oneness, unity, unconditional love and desire. 

This is what I refer to as the unlocking. So many things have been unlocked these past 10 years since that encounter with Christ. Things in my heart, and things in my natural world. Things that defy description, but I try anyways (thus, why I am always telling “God stories” 😊) They’re real because HE is real and HE is ALIVE. HE IS RISEN and he promised to live inside of us!!! Such a mystery, but when mystery becomes your reality, it defies anything you’ve ever known up to that point in time. At best, our human relationships will be a beautiful mirror to this reality. 

This past year, 2017, has been a year like no other. So many burning bush miracle moments that I fear losing track and I sometimes feel like if I’m not careful, I could just get lost forever in his endless ocean. I have many shortcomings, and I’m still (and will always be) being stretched in many areas. But his love is ever-reaching and his kingdom, ever-expanding. That’s what I think a lot of people don’t understand. They view God, Church, as rigid and stifling...and truth be told, this is how it can appear from the outside looking in. Unfortunately, much of our human attempts boil it down to this...But once you make it into the kingdom walls, once LOVE pulls you in, you’re taken to a different dimension where things look and feel totally different. The walls of the Kingdom of God are ever and ever-expanding. They breathe, they live and move with you and you with them. It’s like re-entering The Garden you were always designed to live in. You’ll never find the end once you’re inside.

Out of a desire to commemorate all that I just described, I found myself very unexpectedly and miraculously back in Kansas City at the OneThing Conference 3 months ago in December. It was like that same LOVE had a tractor beam on me before I even knew it, but looking back, I had been feeling the pull for months. 

It was at this event that I received the commission/invitation to walk and pray and commune with the Lord in a way I’ve never done before. 

Over the past 6 weekends, I have walked 222 miles down the historic Natchez Trace Parkway and I will finish by walking the last 8 miles at Easter sunrise. This has been a journey like none other. There have been hilarious moments, painful moments, angelic moments, divine appointments and many, many quiet and still moments where all I could hear was the sound of one foot moving in front of the other, and those were just as much prayers as anything I prayed aloud. These are things that run so deep that I don’t know how to translate it, but the channels of my heart have been carved deeper and it feels like more living water is rushing through my veins. 

While I’ve been saying that I’ve been praying for Unity and Revival and I named the walk “A Walk for New Wineskins “ based on Mark 2:22, if I could put it in a nutshell, my prayers have really been that YOU, all of us, The WORLD for goodness sake, would begin to exist from the same reality I just described. This is not my unique experience, this is a viable reality and is how humans were designed-to live full of LIFE itself. Living inside the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom living inside of us and being deposited like seeds out into the world. 

So, this has been my attempt to somehow put a few words to this Jesus, this Love that I know. He changes everything. If you haven’t experienced this life changing love and power, don’t stop! Ask, seek, knock and then just start swimming through the sea of unknowing until he catches you by surprise and absorbs you into his heart. You will still have those very real moments of life, like I did this weekend, of being hangry, having a dead battery out in the middle of nowhere land, running late, forgetting to pay a bill, wondering about what’s next or how to make it, etc...

But this one thing I know. I have found LOVE and love is a person and love is God. He is so much more than we could imagine and all we truly need. I could go on, but now it’s time for me to rise and shine...and WALK! Let me end with this prayer by Pedro Arrupe, lest you think I’m swimming in the clouds of impracticability...😍 

Nothing is more practical than

finding God, than

falling in Love

in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide

what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends,

what you read, whom you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love,

and it will decide everything.

HAPPY EASTER. 

HE IS RISEN!

HE IS RISEN INDEED!

Say Yes and step into his resurrection life.

40:40 Day 4: Taking the exit off of Procrastination Road...

So, this is going to be the shortest blog post that I write.  I have determined to write SOMETHING every day of Lent, but the past 4 days, I have waited until late at night to write, thus blowing my earlier bed times and thus perpetuating the late to bed, late to rise thing.  And believe me, it is a THING. Grrrr..."There is no condemnation, there is no condemnation"...

More on that later.  I guess I'm saying, I feel the pull (in my spirit) to be up and writing in the early mornings, but my flesh kicks and screams and PROCRASTINATES...I procrastinate going to bed AND getting up - ALL. THE. TIME.

The Lord has been talking to me about getting really, I mean really intentional with things. Having a plan and discipline.  As in, being a DISCIPLE.  (Same root word, Hello!) So, I'm starting  and coming into agreement with a different WAY by just saying it here and now.  It's time.  It's past time.  Now has always been the time.  Turn signal is on.

I'm exiting off of Procrastination Road...

Hello, tomorrow morning, 2-18-18.

What road are you exiting?

40:40 Day 3: Distance vs. Disconnection...

So often, when we realize that things are not as they should or could be in our relationship with God, we automatically conclude that it is disconnection.  It is so easy to think (and feel) separated from God and then believe that we must somehow make a reconnection back to God.  But as I ponder and reflect, I think it to be different now.  There's no such thing as disconnection once we have come to know Him. Here's my story on that:

Some time ago, middle of 2016, actually, I was feeling very disconnected from the Lord.  I was depressed and didn't even want to get out of bed due to burn out and circumstances that I had no answer for. I felt stuck and alone.  My poor dog Scooby was also suffering from a lack of walks because I was in bed (depressed) so much-poor girl! Finally, out of guilt and severely needing some fresh air, I decided to take her for a walk around the block.  I grabbed the retractable leash so that Scoob could get more exercise because I was not going to be doing anything fast...

As I started to walk, Scooby immediately pulled the leash out the entire 20 feet and then even began to pull me out of her desire to go further and faster.  I grew annoyed at this thinking, "Why don't you want to be close to me?  Why can't you stay right by my side? I'll get you where you want to go, dog!"

Meanwhile, as this went on, I was also talking (whining, actually) to the Lord saying "Lord, I feel so disconnected from you! I've gone so far away, I don't know how to get back!" And then as I looked at the long line of the leash leading from my hand all the way out to Scooby, it was like a thunder bolt to my spirit and soul...I heard the Lord speak strongly and clearly, "DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. Don't ever say you're disconnected from me because it is impossible-I will not ever let that happen" WOAH. I guess this is what we like to call "correction".

That moment changed my perspective forever.  As I looked at myself holding the leash, I knew it was true.  There's not one thing that Scooby could do that would make me let go of that leash.  I was what was keeping us connected, not her!  In fact, the more she wanted to race away, the harder I held on to make sure she was safe and the unbroken line between us was what would eventually lead her back home by my side.

Jesus said, "I will never leave you or forsake you." This puts him in close proximity to us ALWAYS.  It puts the impetus on him being near no matter where we are or our condition at any given moment in time.  He is beyond time, space and circumstance.  With this in mind, I think it to be LAYERS that hinder LOVE and a feeling of true CONNECTION.  Just as in human relationships.

We all know that you can be in the same house, even in the same room, for goodness sake, even the same bed with someone and have layers that make you FEEL far away.  But the truth is, you are right there, and therefore, the opportunity to reconnect is only a willingness and an honest conversation away; a beautiful bearing of your soul away.

The layers range from the fear of being seen in our worst state, to the shame we feel about who we are or what we've done, to the hiding that quickly ensues to keep up the facade.  It can even be the anxiety of living in the world with unknown risks from outside sources that paralyzes us because there is no answer within ourselves other than the attempt to control, but ultimately control is Pride.  "I am the master of my own destiny and whatever it takes to control the situation, I will do."

Then there is coping.  When one or all of the above begins to cruble, that is the space that addiction plays in.  But addiction plays for keeps.  Then again, so does God, however, he is much more gracious than addiction could ever be.)

Layers, Layers, Layers... We feel so far away, so burdened down and blind to the words, "I AM HERE"... Jesus says, "Take my yoke", grab on, hold on, strap in, learn how I do things...
Weary?  Heavy Burdened? Layered? Come let me show you how to just be with me first.  You'll learn by PROXIMITY and all else will follow.

All the layers, the striving for something different will be automatically answered.  You are not as far away as you think you are...and disconnected?  Hardly.  The layers are deceiving, but he is with you-Always has been. Psalm 139.

Maybe start this way: "You are here, I am here.  I invite you to remove the layers and bring me more alive to your presence in my life".

40:40 Day 2 Forwards and Backwards...

"NO WAY!!!!!" I exclaimed and laughed out loud.  I was coming back from my chiropractor appointment earlier today in rush hour traffic and had just turned right onto Korean Veterans Boulevard when I pulled up behind a gold Mercedes with a personalized Georgia license plate that simply read "SICNARF".  I could hardly believe my eyes. I knew exactly what it was in a split second of instant recognition. What in the WORLD??? How did they know my family's joke?  That word not familiar to you? Then come with me! Let me take you back for a silly moment in my childhood.

I don't know who started it.  Probably my dad.  It was kind of like a dad joke, but only better because we all thought it was genuinely hilarious. (😆 ) At some point, we decided to write out and memorize our names backwards...does everyone do this???  I don't know, but we did. And when we realized that 'Francis' spelled backwards was 'Sicnarf', it was all over.  I personally think mine was the best: 'Atsirk Nwaf Sicnarf'.  With that name, I might as well have been a Persian Prince (No offense to any Persian Princes out there, but am I right or am I right?!?).  We would laugh and laugh at our backwards names.  As I referenced in my post last night, I don't know how much we ACTUALLY laughed.  I mean it wasn't for days or years, but it's a happy, silly memory that's stuck with me and that is what makes it feel like a long and drawn out laugh in a good way.  I'm thankful for those kind of memories. 

So what did I do in that moment??? I chased the Gold Mercedes, of course!  He zipped across the bridge, but was still no match for my 16 year old Subaru-HAHAHAA!  At the next red light, I pulled up next to him and yelled, "HEY! IS YOUR LAST NAME FRANCIS??!!??"  He smiled and yelled, "YES! And I said, "MINE IS TOO!" He yelled, "I'M DIRK FRANCIS FROM JAMAICA, MON!"  I said, "I'M KRISTA FRANCIS"  Then he said, "DID YOU KNOW BECAUSE..." And then pointed back behind him.  I said, "YES!" We smiled and laughed and then the light turned green and Krid Sicnarf zoomed off into the golden sunset, never to be seen again (until I stalk my Jamaican Cousin on facebook, that is!!)  

As soon as I saw that out of state license plate with that strange non-word that pretty much NO ONE else would understand (even people with the first or last name Francis who aren't quite as weird as us!), my heart actually leaped a little inside my chest!  See, God has been doing some extra-out of the ordinary kind of signs lately.  Maybe more than ever before.  I don't completely understand the depths of it all right now, and some people might say I'm reading too much into it, but I know it's Him.  His fingerprints are pretty unique and this time, downright funny.  As they say, it's a small world, but I think there's even more to it than that. 

Tonight, I was reminded in the most fun and creative way that this God-Creator knows my NAME, knows us...He knows YOU.  He knows the forwards AND backwards, the inside and out, the silly and the sad and there's no where you can go where He can't find you! (Not even super crappy Nashville traffic!!!) 

Psalm 139: To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me...

Isaiah 43:1 But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

Isaiah 49:15-16

Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?  Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me. 

There's an invitation that's been sent out and we're being drawn into the dance with our Creator: God as Father (Parent) who loves fiercely and rightly and shows scandalous Mercy by giving us HIS name, with Jesus as lover, healer, savior, friend, companion and with Holy Spirit who is altogether dynamite indwelling power as well as counselor and comforter. This God is the itch we can't scratch, the question we can't answer.  The dream we can't fully interpret but we know in our knower that it means something.  This is LOVE that never fails and we're meant to live inside of it and for it to live inside of us, to possess us and give us our identity. 

And that is so much of what this thing with a name is all about: Our Identity. Have you received Heaven on the inside (born again) and been given a new name,  or are you wandering around like an orphan wondering what your last name is and even if you saw it, you might not recognize it forwards or backwards  We do that in a thousand different ways.  So hear me.  He knows your name and he'll tell it to your heart if you'll ask.  He'll show you surprises.  Enter into the dance.  Tonight I said "Yes" and entered into the mystery all over again...all because of 'SICNARF' the gold Mercedes.

40:40 Day 1: Just Right and Forrest Gump...

It's late on this Ash Wednesday Valentine's Day 2018.  I wanted to be in bed long before now (9:30 goal), and I also wanted to have the first of 40 blogs posted before now, but since one of those two things is already blown to heck (It's 11:26 pm...yawn) , I might as well power through!

Confession: I'm mostly a writer who doesn't write.  Both story and song.  I have no idea why it is like this except if I were to guess, I would say perfectionism and busyness.  Lame. I am ready to bury these two things six feet under.

This Lent, I felt challenged to write a story a day from things I have seen and experienced in my life.  It's a challenge to not overthink it, just ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind what I should write and then do that.  Some may be videos and others just like this, so I'm diving in.

Today was Ash Wednesday AND Valentine's Day.  I think this is really beautiful because Ash Wednesday is a day of Love...A showcase and reminder of how, in our sinful, dark and dead state, Christ came in to win the day and now, out of love, we get to follow him.  When you follow someone, you inevitably get to the same place they're going.  Just as Philip said to Jesus, "Show us the way to where you're going" and Jesus replied, "I AM the Way!"  The focus was never intended to be the  destination when you can inextricably trust the one you're following to get you there.  And the very way you get there is through relationship and communion.

Anyway, yes.  It was also a hard day. ANOTHER school shooting.  17 dead in Florida.  WHY.  As that was happening, I was attending Mass downtown at the Cathedral.  When I walked in, all I could see were HUGE scaffoldings all around the church. Plastic drop cloths and construction.  Everything was under construction.  But it was messy.  This is where we are as the church.  We are ONE BODY, but massive shifts of reformation and renovation are taking place everywhere.

I just got done watching Forrest Gump.  I honestly can't remember if I've ever watched it all the way through...but I did tonight.  This past weekend, three separate people brought up this movie to me and I took that as a sign to watch it.  Besides the idea of running and walking being very front and center right now, I just marveled at how much Forrest's mom poured truth into his life.  She set the tone for how he would filter all the other messages of the world.

I want to honor my mom for doing the same.  You know how, as a kid, time feels so different.  For example, when I tell the story of going to the beach on Saturday as a kid.  I usually say, "my family and I would go to the beach every Saturday to collect sea shells and then we'd come home to eat pancakes with strawberry syrup."  To me, that happened every Saturday, even though, realistically it could have only been a maximum of 1-2 years.  But it landed in the right spot to make a lasting picture for me to access.

Same thing goes with a message my mom gave me.  She would *Always* say "Krista, you're just right".  I don't know how many times she actually said it, but I sure know how much I remember it, ask a kid and to this day. It cemented in a reality of being approved of, delighted in and loved...right where I'm at.  This isn't a "you can do no wrong" message, but rather, digging for the gold and pointing it out.

Today, I remembered that I still have a Valentine's Day mug from the year my mom got sick (see picture above).  She didn't write long things to us...part of her busyness and perfectionism, I think. The sharpie inscription on the bottom is starting to rub off.  I so often wish she would have gotten around to writing in the Bible she gave to me.  But more than bemoaning that, I'm so very thankful that she gave me the Father's Love through three simple words: "You're Just Right".  This doesn't mean that we don't learn, grow and change, it just means that that doesn't happen through striving.  Our identity core is fully loved and fully accepted.

I urge you, find a simple message like this (heck, steal this one from my mom!) and say it to your spouse, kids, and anyone in your life OFTEN!  It matters.  It really, really matters.

So, loved one, I will say it to you.

You're Just Right!

Happy Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday.   You are loved.