"There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still"...
A quote by Corrie Ten Boom about how she survived the concentration camp of Ravensbruck and learned to forgive...
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Broken...aren't we all?
Where do I even begin...maybe it was about 30 some hours ago when I said yes to being the one to work the blizzard shift and stay here until someone else could...maybe it was a month and a half ago when I took this job in the first place...all I know is that right now I want to cry and I am sick to my stomach at the mess we humans are in...
I am watching one of our girls self-destruct before my eyes. She is reverting to her manipulative ways and she is stealing and lying and she is so...broken...and aren't we all? I don't even know what to say because I am so tired right now, but I'm afraid that sleep will lend itself to me no more. I see a picture of her 3 year old daughter echoing her mom saying, "We don't belong here..." And it's ringing in my head. I see her mom crying on the couch and the 3 year old is holding her mom's head and saying, "it's okay, mommy"...I hear the police man ask me if she can stay here just one more night...I imagine her sneaking in the middle of the night to steal something again...trying to fill the unfathomable void left by too many years of abandonment...broken...aren't we all? God, Save Us! This is Christmas and YOU are the reason, so please be real. I don't want to serve a Santa in the sky, I want to be with a God who wants to get dirty and smelly and lay in a filthy manger because that's what we are and that's where we live...We lick our wounds and settle for cheap bandaids and you are here to heal, to announce salvation and I need to see it right now.
I am watching one of our girls self-destruct before my eyes. She is reverting to her manipulative ways and she is stealing and lying and she is so...broken...and aren't we all? I don't even know what to say because I am so tired right now, but I'm afraid that sleep will lend itself to me no more. I see a picture of her 3 year old daughter echoing her mom saying, "We don't belong here..." And it's ringing in my head. I see her mom crying on the couch and the 3 year old is holding her mom's head and saying, "it's okay, mommy"...I hear the police man ask me if she can stay here just one more night...I imagine her sneaking in the middle of the night to steal something again...trying to fill the unfathomable void left by too many years of abandonment...broken...aren't we all? God, Save Us! This is Christmas and YOU are the reason, so please be real. I don't want to serve a Santa in the sky, I want to be with a God who wants to get dirty and smelly and lay in a filthy manger because that's what we are and that's where we live...We lick our wounds and settle for cheap bandaids and you are here to heal, to announce salvation and I need to see it right now.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Advent - "In Due Time..."
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7...
I read this verse two nights ago as I led devotions for the teen moms at Hope House, and it has been speaking to me ever since. I think the phrase "In Due Time", attatched itself to me, and won't let me go...it is God's latest lesson for me...
I picture these teen moms, or even my sister, who is 7 months pregnant. There is some point, possibly starting around the end of the 8th month of pregnancy when all you want is for that baby to get out of you, and yet, it is not time yet. You may be uncomfortable, you may wish it was time for delivery, but the fact of the matter is that it's not time yet and there's not much to do...but WAIT. Wait for the DUE TIME and continue to prepare for the arrival.
I think about this, and then, painfully, I get really honest with myself. Maybe I give my heart permission to feel things that I would have earlier tried to push away or conceal under the mask of "I'm better than that"...this is me giving myself permission to spill...
I've had my 8 month old black lab, Sadie, since she was 7 weeks old. I rescued her and gave her a home and loved her and trained her and she is an amazing dog already. Now, because of where I live and also because of my long shifts, it looks like I won't be able to provide a home for her anymore. The issue is being forced, and my options are growing slimmer. It feels like it's ripping my heart out and I just don't know what I'm going to do when I really have to let her go to someone else...wait. trust.
I'm also longing for my own place, a place where I can move to and call home. A place where I can walk in and sit on the couch and feel at Peace. A place where I can paint a room red and hang pictures on the walls. In so many ways I feel like I'm backtracking...moving to my hometown after almost 10 years, living with my dad and stepmom and wondering if there will be a day when I make enough to cover the expenses...wait. trust.
And I'm face to face with the fact that I'm lonely. God fills the void in my life that only He can, but, likewise, there is this space I've reserved in my heart for someone else, I don't know who, but I believe there must be someone and I'm not going to let just anyone move in. Never have, never will. But I wish...Yet, there's nothing to do, but wait and be ready...I'm tired of acting like I really want to do this life thing by myself without another human being who wouldn't want to walk through life with anyone else but me...Honestly, I have no idea what that is like...wait. trust.
Then there's the babies...I see these moms...moms way too early in life and I help them with their kids, and I hold the babies and wipe their snotty noses and they burrow down deep in my heart and this feeling of being a mom overtakes me and I just wonder "when, Lord?" Would this desire go unmet? More times than I can count, someone has seen me with kids around me, grabbing onto my leg or reaching up to be held and they make a joke, "Well, this is good birth control for you!", as if these experiences makes me despise children. Little do they know how this only makes the desire to be a mom become stronger...wait trust.
So for 3 months, I've heard God whispering, "Just do what you know you're supposed to do..." And "WAIT". I'm trying to take this to heart...I have no control over the when or if or how of these things, but I can choose what I'm going to do TODAY...
I think of Mary, the mother of our Savior. How she must have watched her stomach expand with each month and just wondered how in the world God was going to make something so amazing happen, yet she knew it would be, but she had to wait as well! Yet, I think of what she did with the here and now: Simply put, she answered "YES!" She offered up her life to be used, to literally be a vessel for God. And how he filled it! With the Savior of the World! It must have been worth the wait and scorn and unanswered questions...
I can only hope and pray for the grace to follow that example of saying yes to God like that. I can only ask for strength to be outwardly focused on others and thankful for all the blessings in my life. I can only trust that in due time, in God's time, and in his Perfect Will, unlike my imperfect impatience, that what collides with my life will be only for His Glory.
Trust. Wait.
Yes! Amen! Let it be!
I read this verse two nights ago as I led devotions for the teen moms at Hope House, and it has been speaking to me ever since. I think the phrase "In Due Time", attatched itself to me, and won't let me go...it is God's latest lesson for me...
I picture these teen moms, or even my sister, who is 7 months pregnant. There is some point, possibly starting around the end of the 8th month of pregnancy when all you want is for that baby to get out of you, and yet, it is not time yet. You may be uncomfortable, you may wish it was time for delivery, but the fact of the matter is that it's not time yet and there's not much to do...but WAIT. Wait for the DUE TIME and continue to prepare for the arrival.
I think about this, and then, painfully, I get really honest with myself. Maybe I give my heart permission to feel things that I would have earlier tried to push away or conceal under the mask of "I'm better than that"...this is me giving myself permission to spill...
I've had my 8 month old black lab, Sadie, since she was 7 weeks old. I rescued her and gave her a home and loved her and trained her and she is an amazing dog already. Now, because of where I live and also because of my long shifts, it looks like I won't be able to provide a home for her anymore. The issue is being forced, and my options are growing slimmer. It feels like it's ripping my heart out and I just don't know what I'm going to do when I really have to let her go to someone else...wait. trust.
I'm also longing for my own place, a place where I can move to and call home. A place where I can walk in and sit on the couch and feel at Peace. A place where I can paint a room red and hang pictures on the walls. In so many ways I feel like I'm backtracking...moving to my hometown after almost 10 years, living with my dad and stepmom and wondering if there will be a day when I make enough to cover the expenses...wait. trust.
And I'm face to face with the fact that I'm lonely. God fills the void in my life that only He can, but, likewise, there is this space I've reserved in my heart for someone else, I don't know who, but I believe there must be someone and I'm not going to let just anyone move in. Never have, never will. But I wish...Yet, there's nothing to do, but wait and be ready...I'm tired of acting like I really want to do this life thing by myself without another human being who wouldn't want to walk through life with anyone else but me...Honestly, I have no idea what that is like...wait. trust.
Then there's the babies...I see these moms...moms way too early in life and I help them with their kids, and I hold the babies and wipe their snotty noses and they burrow down deep in my heart and this feeling of being a mom overtakes me and I just wonder "when, Lord?" Would this desire go unmet? More times than I can count, someone has seen me with kids around me, grabbing onto my leg or reaching up to be held and they make a joke, "Well, this is good birth control for you!", as if these experiences makes me despise children. Little do they know how this only makes the desire to be a mom become stronger...wait trust.
So for 3 months, I've heard God whispering, "Just do what you know you're supposed to do..." And "WAIT". I'm trying to take this to heart...I have no control over the when or if or how of these things, but I can choose what I'm going to do TODAY...
I think of Mary, the mother of our Savior. How she must have watched her stomach expand with each month and just wondered how in the world God was going to make something so amazing happen, yet she knew it would be, but she had to wait as well! Yet, I think of what she did with the here and now: Simply put, she answered "YES!" She offered up her life to be used, to literally be a vessel for God. And how he filled it! With the Savior of the World! It must have been worth the wait and scorn and unanswered questions...
I can only hope and pray for the grace to follow that example of saying yes to God like that. I can only ask for strength to be outwardly focused on others and thankful for all the blessings in my life. I can only trust that in due time, in God's time, and in his Perfect Will, unlike my imperfect impatience, that what collides with my life will be only for His Glory.
Trust. Wait.
Yes! Amen! Let it be!
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