Scared of this...

I don't really think many people are reading this blog, which is fine with me. I didn't intend on blogging today, but here I am. Well, actually, I've been wanting to blog about all these other profound things that are happening in my life, but this is as much as I've got today: I feel scared. I'm not scared of outward things. I'm leaving my job, I'm leaving the youth I love, I'm leaving my little town and as much as this is hurting my heart, I am at Peace. Thank you God for Peace. But, what am I scared of? I think it is more what I am heading into. "Music Ministry". What is that, anyway? The more that I contemplate, the more I realize that the CD is so peripheral. The posters, the newspaper articles, even inviting people to "my concert" is so much not what I want to be about. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of shameless promotion of self. It makes me want to run and hide. There is this overwhelming desire right now to be swallowed up into the immensity of Christ. Of His Kingdom and the realization that if I could just play one little part in His story that I could die right now and that would be what life was worth. That I would keep my mouth shut except to say something that would be glory to Him and love for people. I also think about how much time I am spending working on a website, calling people, setting up concerts, etc. And I think about the people who are pouring out their very lives to live with Orphans and AIDS victims and I just pray that this thing that I feel God so strongly calling me to, yet I feel so uncomfortable in, would be a means to an end of allowing me to do something like that and would inspire youth, especially to give up their lives and their rights and pour themselves out for the causes of Christ. Take me through the ringer, Lord. Spin out the excess and may you be the remainder in all of this. Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam "For the Greater Glory of God".